Adoptee Non-Identifying Papers
"I wanted to write you regarding your recent reunion with your mother. Amongother things. I knew you were going to meet with her. Every time I thought aboutvisiting to see how it went I had this totally hard core anxietyattack. I know that must seem weird but let me explain..." www.miassavinggrace.wordpress.com
Having only seen my non-identifying adoption papers, I have nothing to compare them to.
Are they fairly representative?
Do they usually include the mother's state of mind?
Mine does. In a section entitled, "Circumstances of Placement/Other Significant" information on page 5, it states:
"Birth mother was interested in adoption for you from the first appointment."
My mother confirmed this. At 37, she knew what she was doing and found the public agency on her own.
"Birth mother describes herself as being called 'heartless' by her mother and her stepsisters for her plan of adoption."
She has repeatedly told me this, too. Definitely not the kind of thing this relinquished person wants to hear. Ever.
"She suffered great guilt after your birth."
She must have because it took her ten days to make her final decision. Which explains why I went into foster care. My mother has no recollection of any of this. Guess she blocked it out.
And finally, "There has been no contact from either of your birth parents since the relinquishment."
I'm really all over the place on these bits from the non-identifying papers. I guess, if my mother had been young and vulnerable, they wouldn't have stated, "Birth mother cried non-stop but pressure applied by social worker and maternal family prevailed," right?
I mean, it's the truth. Or some version of it as noted by a social worker back in 1960. And what about the social worker? Was she properly trained and experienced? Were her assessments correct?
It's all there in back and white. Yet it's gray with time. All murky now. Like trying to see some distant floating creature through a foggy glass.
In trying to decide what I want out of reunion: continued contact, limited and occasional contact, no more because I'm done but I'm so glad I finally met you, I find myself going back to my non-identifying papers looking for clues, evidence, something I can't quite put my finger on.
Am I looking for some sort of connection to the woman who was my mother? Am I trying to "get back" to her before she closed up and shut down and pushed me back to the farthest reaches of her mind?
If you have non-identifying information, what do you make of yours? If you're in reunion, how does what's in those papers stack up against the reality of your biological family?