Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Post Reunion Etiquette

Is there such a thing?

Or maybe this should be titled, "Post Reunion Expectations."

Woke up realizing I'm in a post reunion void.

Have been more busy than usual lately - in a good way - feeling happier and certainly more grounded than before I met my mother. I was terrified to meet her, this 83 year old woman. I am so glad I did.

It's been 10 days since our meeting. Now what?

I've needed the time and space to process her real face and personality and all that is her - or as much can be gleaned in 1.5 hours. I guess she's doing the same.

While I can't bring myself to call - yet - I'm a tad surprised and, admittedly, a wee bit hurt that she hasn't called or dropped a note. After all, I initiated the search, the first meeting, etc. Umph. Maybe she's thinking the same thing.

On the positive side, have realized just how much progress I've made on dealing with abandonment issues usually triggered by unexplained fades like not getting return phone calls or emails, etc. Dropped a note to my niece - we had a good first meeting - to ask after a problem she was having and to thank her for hosting the meeting with my mother. No reply. Normally, this would freak me out but while I'm curious, I'm not upset. She works long hours and is dealing with some ucky stuff right now. My reaction represents a big leap forward in fighting the Abandonment Demon.

Another positive, my mother is a neat freak. I am so NOT. However, I am trying to find my inner clean gene. It's GOT to be in there, somewhere, so I've been trying to be more efficient. I spend focused time on straightening up and it's amazing how much better the house looks. It's also easier to THINK and RELAX when you're not stepping over stacks of newspapers, piles of laundry and drifting mounds of dog hair!

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14 Comments:

Blogger suz said...

Ah,the feedback void. I know this well.

Quite possible she is thinking same. What are next steps? What do you want? Need? Is that all you wanted? To meet her? Do you want continued contact? If she wants it, is that okay with you? What if she needs space, how to handle that? Can she tell you that? What if you need space, can you tell her that without fear of abandonment?

This is for me THEE biggest challenge in reunion. The lack of feedback. The lack of knowledge how the other is feeling. I pray to the Goddesses that my daughter finds her voice over time and realizes its okay to tell me what she feels. wants, needs, that I am not going anywhere. She is entitled her feelings as much as I am entitled to mine.

For me, lack of feedback is interpreted as punishment. Making me stew. My daughter hasnt rejected me but she wont meet, talk, ec. (and it will be two years in June). I can intellectually understand and explain this...but emotionally, it feels like punishment. A desire to hurt me. Maybe it is. Maybe it isnt. I cannot know for sure....cuz she doesnt tell me.

Gosh, rambling...please, as a mom, give your mom some indication of what you need/want. Define the rules, the expectations with her, not against her. She may have NO frikking clue what to do next, maybe afraid anxious..especially since she is an older mom (older than me that is)

Wishing you both luck. (and myself too!)

10:42 AM  
Blogger Possum said...

Why - oh - why can't this whole 'reunion' thingy be a little LESS complicated??!!
Very proud of you that you are calmer about things though.
(does that mean there may be hope for me yet?? LOL)
Once more - I offer up copious amounts of chocolate - while we wait!!
Hugs, Possum. xx (formally Chez!!)

1:22 PM  
Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

I'd probably drop her a note or give her a call just to find out how she is doing and go from there.

But you need to do what makes you comfortable including having a cluttered, lived in home :)

4:28 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

Hi Suz, You gave me a lot to think about. THANK YOU. I'm in a muddle. I'm not sure WHAT I want. Whether meeting her once was enough or if I want continued contact. This is gonna get a little long, so I'm gonna post.

Yeah, Possum...Why can't it be easier? And my face fell into a box of chocolate truffles. I have no idea how it happened but I'm not entirely sorry either!!! Hugs!

Leroy, Yeah, I probably will call her and didn't I read something that despite all this anti-clutter propaganda that it's not all that bad???

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