It Ain't So Bad: Reunion

Met with my birthmother today.

To borrow the words of Jane Austen: "I am all amazement!"

Amazement that I am still standing.

I am changed. Yet the same.

It was a transformative, healing, grounding experience. Not nearly as scary as I thought.

I survived!

Do we take our cues from our mothers?

My mother was NOT in the least emotional. She gave no hugs. Shed no tears. Expressed no remorse.

So....I was not emotional. I gave no hugs. I shed no tears then or later. I expressed no remorse.

I kept looking at her...thinking: "This is my mother. Shouldn't I feel more?"

Maybe I will later.

Did we both "disassociate" so much that we could not connect? Did we connect? I think we did.

Feeling slightly euphoric because I sorta look like my mother but not really. I'm told I have my father's eyes and brow line. I look like my sister...the pretty one...and that makes me happy. Went out to dinner with my niece and we look like relatives. I am 46 and have a 20-something great-nephew with tattos (sp) who actually asked for job advice.

I actually HAVE people I am related to.

I feel more me than I have ever felt.

And even though my mother isn't the nuturing type...the type to express regret or remorse...oddly, that's okay. Her ghost has been banished and she is who she is...just a woman who had a baby daughter 46 years ago.