Tuesday, January 16, 2007

I Hate Being Adopted

Sometimes, I get sick and tired of being adopted.

I don't like all the issues it forces me to deal with...or beware.

I don't like being tethered to an aging narcisstic adoptive dad, with whom I have no choice but to continue to play the role of parent, listener and caretaker. I will play this role until he dies. I will do so because it's the right, moral, ethical thing to do. He has no one else in his life. Sad, but true, and not an exaggeration. He is totally alone in the world. Mercifully, he has never asked for my gratitude. That was my adoptive mother. He did, however, allow my mother to cut me off both financially and emotionally when I decided to attend college.

He is, however, a constant reminder that I am adopted. That we are linked. An odd couple. He an abused child who needed a parent and me, a relinquished child who needed a dad but instead got a damaged little boy.

I regret not coming to terms with all this adoption stuff earlier in my life. I admire and encourage adoptees who follow their instincts and awaken from the slumber of ignorance and denial.

Okay, it's one of those days. An I Hate Being Adopted Day, probably triggered by a depressing conversation I had with my a-dad last night. Some days are like that.

I hate dreading talking with my own father and now I hate dreading talking with my own birthmother because, unfortunately, she's self-absorbed, too and makes me feel invisible and diminished.

I do look forward to speaking with my niece and half-sister. I do feel connected in a way I've never felt connected before. They are warm and welcoming and both freely admit their sadness and regret that I was given away. While this doesn't make up for my birthmom's insistence that my adoption was all her idea and a good one, it does make me feel a tad better. My half-sister does say she always wondered what happened to me and thought of me every single day. That's something. Some days, I cling to that thought.

And then I think, how pathetic. After all, I have an amazing husband of 18 years and two beautiful, sensitive and intelligent daughters. That's more than some people have. Why isn't that enough? Because, on some days, I hate being adopted. It's so....WEIRD. It's a bizarre way to enter the world. Would I feel this way if I'd had better luck in the Ultimate Crapshoot of Adoption Placement and scored higher quality parents? I can almost imagine the label: "Premium, Grade A Parents...Now With Empathy!"

While I still would have issues, maybe they wouldn't be so many and so severe. Maybe I wouldn't be so resentful. Maybe I wouldn't hate being adopted so much. Ah, the Closed Era was an evil time in adoption's mixed history.

Okay. So this was a downer. Definitely. But this is supposed to be honest and that's how I honestly feel right now. Some days are like that. Tomorrow, though, should be better. It always is.



Blogger chez said...

SO know what you're feeling today.
I've also hit the wall.
Just letting you know I'm sitting beside you, passing you a nice cold drink, hoping that the hurt will subside soon.
Take care of you.

4:04 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

And I'm topping us off! Sheesh, Chez, it is like hitting the wall. You too, huh?
Warm fuzzy thoughts!

5:02 PM  
Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

Hoping tomorrow is a better day for you Nina. Sometimes we need the "dark" days so we can discern the "light" days and celebrate/enjoy them even more.

When people are not listening today, you can still hear the negativity within families regarding adoption, especially among siblings. Siblings can be so brutal at times. When in a "snit" with a sibling, they lash out at each other. At their meanest, they will say, "I can't believe I am related to you. You must be adopted!" It is a dig to be sure (of not only to their sibling but all adoptees) and probably still used. Sad.

Tomorrow will be better.

10:40 PM  
Blogger Joy said...



wouldn't it be nice if we could get days off being adopted?

12:03 AM  
Anonymous dory said...

I can't count the number of times I wish I had ended up with different parents. Sure, I'd still have some issues of adoption but I wouldn't have had ALL the OTHER issues. And then people come up with the "but bio kids can have bad parents too" - yeah - but they don't come with the adoption issues. It's a double whammy and one that I find myself hating on certain days too. The problem is, we can't ever wake up and not be adopted - it's always there - we can't hide from it. Parents with empathy - now that would be something!

7:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i hate being adopted

6:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, I also hate adoption.
Except I'm on the other side of the fence.
My sister was adopted at 11 and I absolutely hate her. She is an ungrateful, nasty, ugly, annoying snob. She annoys me to no ends and I frequently have urges to hurt her violently. (And I really am NOT a mean/violent person) And it makes me feel horrible for feeling so hostile towards her..its an evil thing.
I wish she would disappear from my family and let us be normal again...

8:49 PM  
Blogger VeronicaStet said...

wowowow this is amazing...I'm 16 going on 17, adopted at birth from Minnesota and now in California, really struggling psychologically....I've been looking for experienced people to talk to because it burns me that I can't find out anything til I turn 19

9:03 PM  
Blogger James said...

I'm posting this about 2 years too late, but I just thought I would mention that LOTS of children feel this way, what does it have to do with being adopted? If it were a biological parent, you would feel good about having an immature emotionally distant parent? Unlikely.
That said, good luck! Family issues aren't easy.

5:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stumbled upon this blog tonight...
I have wished every day for the past 20 years that I did not give my daughter up for adoption. Thinking that love was financial security was stupid. I was young and wanted to do what was best for her. I wish I knew that I would be the best for her. She hates me now and wants nothing to do with me. My heart will never heal. I am sorry and devastated beyond words.
I hate adoption.

7:23 PM  
Anonymous fateema said...

i also hate being sdopted somtimes....but what i hate most is knowing i have sisters out there and i have no idea what they look like or who they...oh and being adopted by multi racial couple is also a lil hard to del with =/

8:47 AM  
Anonymous Christy said...

I too am adopted, and I so know how you feel, have same of the same issues with a-mom. Your description of your a-dad reminds me of my b-mom. Anyway, I just have some of the same feelings and wanted to just let you know there are others who know how you feel.

11:53 PM  
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4:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am adopted.
And, I really do not like it.
I have hated my a-parents for as long as I can remember and I'm starting to make mental issues out of it.
I have recently found my b-father who is such an amazing person and we are both stunned to have found eachother;
BUT - If my a-parents find out, they will absolutely KILL me.
But, we have a GOD - GIVEN right to know our b-parents!
It is frustratingly STUPID and IDIOTIC to say that being adopted means you can not know them.
It makes me feel SICK.

Please comment back to this someone..

7:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I also hate it...
I have Vietnamese roots.
sometimes I think that I'm the most selfish person in the world, because I hate being adopted.

Ok I'm thankful for some things, but it's such a strange feeling.

My adoptive mother thinks that she's an angel, but in my eyes she isn't at all! She makes me feel like I'm her property and my dad never says a word about it.

The worst thing is that I don't have any clue of who I am, who my family is,... that hurts so much. It's hard to say, but they took my life.

Maybe I'm born to have a hard life even in a rich country in Europe... :(

10:11 AM  
Blogger sophia said...

i know how you feel im adopted though im 13 and my birth mother picked her husbend my birth father over me he was 45 and she was 16 and its gross but like i miss them lots i think of them lots though my story does involve jail and stuff though im happy im adopted though i miss them lots :(

4:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i hate being adopted i have all these issues and i cant get past them anc no1 understands and i struggle and i wish i had normal life :( :( :(

5:14 PM  
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