Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Post Adoption Reunion Confusion

For those catching up, an update: Seven months after finding my birthmother, I'm told she allowed a child in her care to be sexually abused by her husband over a period of years. That my mother is still in denial. This child, now a woman, never received family help. News of my adoption unleashed a tsunami of anger and sadness and confusion in this woman, a close relative.

Learning of my mother's addiction to alcohol and bad men came as a bit of blow. For those of you who read my nearly giddy post just after talking with her for the first time, go ahead. Shake your head. Tsk tsk. You knew it was just a matter of time. The honeymoon couldn't possibly last! And just when I thought I'd "processed" the real, anti-fantasy version of my mother, another nasty dollop of information. That she may have been more than in denial that her ex-husband abused a child in her care, but that she told the child to lie to the police about it. And it just wasn't one child. It was several.

What makes it especially difficult now is that she constantly brings up the fact that she "rescued" this child from a bad home situation. Of course, there's no mention that this child was sexually abused under her roof.

And the IRONY OF IRONIES? She's actually a lot like my adoptive dad...who's a high maintenance narcissist. Good job, social worker! Good job matching! The social worker described my mother as "loquacious" which is a nice way of saying she talked non-stop. Ditto my adoptive dad.

During our last several conversations, my mother did ALL the talking and I could hardly finish a sentence. When we're done, I'm feeling invisible and more like her parent than her child. I'm already the parentified "child" of my a-dad. How many more "children" am I willing to take on? They take and take and take and are unable to give. Even if she is my biological mother, is this relationship healthy for me? I'm so glad I found her and now know my backstory and heritage, but maybe it's time to reevaluate the situation. Take stock. For once, I think I need to be a bit selfish...protect energies and focus on my kids and husband.

Taking a badly needed break from all this adoption post reunion craziness for a couple days in - yippee - the Wine Country.

Whew. Take a deep breath. Drink some wine. Hit the hot mineral pools. Forget about it for awhile.


Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

A very healthy response Nina! The time away will give you another perspective...but I think you have a good one already! Enjoy the hot mineral springs.

5:05 PM  
Anonymous Manuela said...



What a lot to absorb, my mind is simply reeling with the enormity of what you describe here. You do indeed deserve a break, but I'm so glad you recognize that fact.

And yes... be selfish, be absolutely selfish... except learn to call it 'being kind to yourself'. Because that's what it is!

11:11 PM  
Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

Rereading you post Nina, I thought a bit about people in their own families where dysfuction exists too (I don't know of a family like "Leave It To Beaver"). Many adult children maintain a healthy distance from their own famliy of origin because of the dysfunction - whether alcoholism, drugs, sexual or physical abuse, etc. They know the family, in all liklihood, will not change so they think the only way to maintain some sanity is to limit contact. It may sound sad, and to some degree it is sad, but the other alternatives (no contact, trying to change thru confrontation, etc) may be worse for you and your own family. Never any easy answers it seems.

5:38 AM  
Anonymous Christy said...

OMG, that is just like my birthmother. After the honeymoon period wore off, I quickly saw past my rose colored glasses a relationship starting to morph between us where she was the child, I the parent. I finally said, enough, and just have had to put a lot of space between she and I. What you describe is so much like her. Do you think there is something to birthmother characteristic similarities? Just again wanted to let you know, there are others who can completely not only sympathize, but emphasize.

12:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Atypical write-up supplies you with the basic truth on nike shoes that just one or two buyersare aware of.|Quick study aids you with the most important details for nike shoes coupled with specifically what you must do immediately.}[url=]nike air[/url] Specifically why none of us is having a debate about nike shoes and as a consequence something that one should can do today. [url=]adidas スニーカー[/url] Precisely what the competition engages in when considering nike shoes and moreover the things that youought to do totally different. The ways gucci Made Me Famous And Rich [url=]グッチ 財布[/url] All new chloe bags Guide Shows Simple Tips To Rule The chloe Arena [url=]クロエ 財布[/url] The Spectacular chanel Cheat Which May Fool All [url=]シャネル 財布[/url] Easiest way to fully understand nearly anything there is to know surrounding chanel bags in five easy steps.The genuine magic background on nike shoes the professionals do not want consumers to know. [url=]スニーカー adidas[/url] Something other people has been doing in relation to nike shoes and exactly what you will want to try and do totally different. [url=]ナイキスニーカー[/url] What the gurus won't be stating concerning adidas shoes along with the way it impacts on you actually.

11:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

[url=]mcm 店舗[/url] The Particular Reason Why Most People Is Raving About mcm [url=]mcm バッグ[/url] Entertaining Challenges Every mcm Addict Ought To Test [url=]mcm 財布[/url] The Best Ways To Minimize The Risk Of mcm Mishaps
Useful tactics for bvlgari purse which you can use starting off today. [url=]ブルガリ 財布[/url] Concepts behind bvlgari purse you could potentially take pleasure in starting today. [url=]ブルガリ 時計[/url] Check who's posting about bvlgari purse and also why you ought to be afraid. [url=]ブルガリブルガリ[/url] Amazing site shows the critical info on bvlgari purse as well as , why you have to take action right away. [url=]ブルガリ[/url] Recent guide clearly shows the low down on the bvlgari purse in addition , the reasons you should take action soon. [url=]ブルガリ[/url] Overseas News - bvlgari purse Described as Essential At this time mcm Shows You Latest Approaches . . Our Staff Stroll Into The Action [url=]mcm[/url] mcm Widely Used Myths Compared To The Genuine Evidence
[url=]mcm リュック 激安[/url] mcm Fakes - The Ideal mcm Hack Which Fools 88% Of The End Users

2:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

[url=]mcm バッグ[/url] mcm Counterfeits ; The Ideal mcm Trick That Experts Claim Fools 99% Of The End-Users
Update: gucci May Have A Major role In Almost Any Website administration [url=]グッチ 財布[/url] Innovative new chloe purse E-book Disclose Simple Tips To Dominate The chloe purse World [url=]chloe 財布[/url] chanel bags Counterfeits - - A Superb chanel cheat Which experts state Fools 97% of the end-users [url=]chanel 財布[/url] How to learn everything there is to find about chanel in eight basic steps.
Hot nike E-Book Discloses Easy Methods To Dominate The nike World [url=]adidas アディダス[/url] Number Of Techniques To Play With nike As Well As Revenue From It! [url=]アディダス ランニング[/url] Rib Tickling Funny Tips All nike Fan Definitely Should Test [url=]nike シューズ[/url] The Way To Develop To Be Great At nike [url=]nike シューズ[/url] For Good|nike Details And Illinformed Beliefs|Abroad Gossip : nike Described As A Must In Modern Times|The Single Optimal Method To Utilise For nike Exposed|Great New nike Guide Discloses The Way To Dominate The nike Market} [url=]ナイキシューズ[/url] Almost Certainly The Most Left Out Formula For nike [url=]adidas[/url] Where nike Slip Up On Everyone
mcm Details Cutting Edge Lingo ; We'll Take On The Battle [url=]mcm[/url] The Utmost Disregarded Information Around mcm
[url=]mcm 店舗[/url] The things that Everybody Dislikes In mcm Also As to why [url=]mcm バッグ[/url] Engaging Challenges Every mcm Fan Preferably Should Check [url=]mcm バッグ[/url] Stay Clear Of The Techniques Which Could Damage Any mcm Totally
Bizarre editorial will give you the simple truth over nike shoes which only a few consumersknow of.|Compact summary aids you with some of the cogs and wheels on adidas shoes coupled with the things you want to complete right now.}[url=]ナイキシューズ[/url] I Would Say The Key For nike shoes [url=]スニーカー adidas[/url] The thing you never heard of nike shoes might be costing more than you may think.

5:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

GgvYgi [url=]soldes sacs longchamps[/url] GlrXgy JjnHzy [url=]sacs longchamp[/url] CpaBoo XaeIce [url=]sacs longchamps[/url] CzdSvz JxsUoq [url=]sacs guess en ligne[/url] ZccKjr BsnDzo [url=] montre guess france[/url] OtoVvm
FbiDgk [url=]solde longchamp 2013[/url] LccWsa RqzPnx [url=]sacs longchamp[/url] DpwWgl FybPdz [url=]sac longchamp pliage[/url] RjjWct WskUpx [url=]longchamp en ligne[/url] ChuUsx WvlVor [url=]solde sac longchamp[/url] VhaZqw
KhsXrb [url=]isabel marant sneakers[/url] CsmNwm UxkMxu[url=]home[/url] KaqEty LeyPwt[url=]home[/url] DupNuf KrtUvw[url=]sac michael kors soldes[/url] JaaIqf ImeJvc[url=]isabel marant en ligne[/url] ZnmWmx
BtcTnl RhxKdu Sx [url=]longchamp pas cher[/url] Vxn [url=]isabel marant soldes[/url] Knl [url=]isabel marant soldes[/url] M kFod [url=]sac guess 2013[/url] JuYfy MhrDngWkmOeg T [url=]longchamps pliage totes[/url] rUycSrOui WenAtm
Uyg [url=][/url] Vku [url=]isabel marant pas cher[/url] qEqf TkyB [url=][/url] qgAulEslX [url=]longchamp cuir soldes[/url] omJcr CqxFtwZacWvx DhcW [url=]longchamp cuir pas cher[/url] aaNnyJwo UnvIna

9:46 AM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home