Saturday, December 16, 2006

Dealing with Grief: It's a Solitude Thing

In response to my previous post, Third Mom Margie (a must read) and social worker Leroy Dissing (another must read) expressed their hope that I had support in dealing with my adoption related grief.

Yes. And no.

My husband is a wonderful listener and I talk about it with him almost daily. My therapist is amazing and is a troubled adoptee's dream come true. Sometimes, I have a nightmare that Dr. Laura has taken over her practice and she scolds me for being an ungrateful big baby and to quit whining about being adopted because it's no big deal.

But as for my friends, and I have some great ones, they just don't seem to GET adoption. Invariably, they nod and listen and feel compelled to say something like, "Yeah, well, my mom treated me like such and such and I wasn't adopted" or "Sometimes I wish I was adopted because my parents are such a nightmare and it freaks me out I'm related to them." That kind of stuff. On my birthday, I finally admitted that my birthdays make me sad because it was also my relinquishment day. This seemed to distress my friend and she tried to make me feel better by saying another way to look at my birthday was it was a day that friends and family could honor me...or something along those lines. This only made me feel worse.

All this just seems to highlight the isolation that adoptees can feel...even when surrounded by caring people with the best of intentions. Being adopted is such an odd, peculiar thing and everybody who isn't adopted seems to have an opinion on what it is and what it isn't. But most of all, when one finally talks about it, you can sense the other person's discomfort kick in.

But dealing with grief - in semi-solitude - is welcome. I've spent the whole week taking long walks with my dog, often crying, and I'm learning to experience feeling intense emotions after walling them off for so many years. In the process, I'm getting to know myself better and today, I'm feeling calmer and much more focused.

Labels:

23 Comments:

Blogger Doughnut said...

Nina...You need to do what works for you. I can tell you that long walks work for me too. It is a chance to be alone with myself and God (if you are spiritually inclined); as well as clear my head of all the worldly things around me; and to set priorities. Sometimes it is nothing more than putting your mind in neutral and drifting like on your back in a pool or on an inner tube floating down a river. Somedays I want to be those leaves being blown around in the wind; free and no cares. Other nights I want to be on the bright full moon and look back at the earth.

Your journey is one of restoration. Restoring that which should have been - a mother/father/daughter relationship...a family. Maybe it really is all about restoring oneself...maybe that is all it can ever be at this stage. And for those of us who have never had a similar experience as you Nina, just means we have to listen more closely and talk less (of which I may be guilty of at times). The healing comes in letting yourself be free...free to be me....for you can never be "we" unless you are first a "me".

12:37 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

That's really beautiful imagery, Leroy, thank you. And sheesh, we're ALL guilty of occasionally talking a bit too much and not listening enough. Active, attentive listening is an acquired skill so few people. And BTW, in the virutal world, you are an exceptional "listener" who gives insightful comments which are always welcome.

2:10 PM  
Blogger Doughnut said...

Thank you Nina...I have much yet to learn. I have gained from you and others much more than I have or will ever be able to give back.

I will continue to listen and comment when I can offer something useful. I am glad you feeling calmer and more focused.

4:48 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Yup

I find that adoption makes me much more of a loner than I think my nature would warrant.


I like being alone, I like not having to pretend

2:16 PM  
Blogger Doughnut said...

You don't strike me as a loner Joy....more extroverted, but I agree, we all need our alone time and then we need that "together" time too. Its just how to balance it can be interesting or painful.

2:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Opulently I agree but I contemplate the collection should acquire more info then it has.

5:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice brief and this enter helped me alot in my college assignement. Say thank you you seeking your information.

8:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I will not concur on it. I over nice post. Expressly the title attracted me to review the intact story.

9:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good dispatch and this mail helped me alot in my college assignement. Thanks you seeking your information.

7:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well I to but I contemplate the collection should prepare more info then it has.

11:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

[url=http://seghan.ru/go.php?sid=35][img]http://s002.radikal.ru/i200/1001/f0/0ddd2280d906.jpg[/img][/url]












[url=http://emeqzos.anschauen.in/]buying cigarettes online review [/url]
buy cigarettes in canada where to buy taxed cigarettes in nys online buy cigarette tubes
[url=http://oicinoc.server3.eu/sitemap.html]minimum age to buy cigarettes [/url]
ny mail order cigarette order american made cigarettes cheap cigarettes buy can
[url=http://hkigmet.bei-der-arbeit.de/sitemap.html]buy nat sherman cigarettes [/url]
buying cigarettes age buy 305 cigarettes online treasurer cigarettes buy online
[url=http://uyjrnue.bqt.de/sitemap.html]buy clove cigarette [/url]
buying and cigarettes or tobacco and buy american cigarettes buy cigarettes through the mail
[url=http://pbfeeba.cs-clan.org/]buy german cigarettes online [/url]
buying cigarette buy ultra buy premier cigarettes online order camel cigarettes online
[url=http://bdfaago.eo3.de/sitemap.html]buy cigarettes from mexico [/url]
order cigarettes online cheap where to buy cigarettes cheap electronic cigarettes where to buy
[url=http://qrooddn.evaluiert.de/]is advertising children to buy cigaretts [/url]
buy parliament cigarettes sweet dreams cigarettes cherry buy buy american spirit cigarettes
[url=http://hkigmet.bei-der-arbeit.de/]order seneca cigarettes online [/url]
e cigarette buy buy french cigarettes is it legal to buy indian cigarettes on the internet
[url=http://pbfeeba.cs-clan.org/sitemap.html]buy saratoga cigarettes on line [/url]
cigarette holders where to buy order cigarettes online from europe buy cigarettes online that are made in usa
[url=http://bdfaago.eo3.de/sitemap.html]legal to buy cigarettes from europe [/url]
death cigarettes buy discount cigarette outlet buy cigarette online buy tax free cigarettes

11:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello,

can anyone tell me which is the best counter strike guide ? :)...i found this one :

http://www.downloadzdb.com/Counter_Strike_Best_Guide

What do you about upset it ?

Thanx in advance

Sorry for my bad english :s

4:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amiable dispatch and this post helped me alot in my college assignement. Thank you seeking your information.

4:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amiable dispatch and this enter helped me alot in my college assignement. Gratefulness you as your information.

12:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello. And Bye.

3:36 AM  
Anonymous generic propecia said...

Great site,this information really helped me , I really appreciate it.Thanks a lot for a bunch of good tips. I look forward to reading more on the topic in the future. Keep up the good work! This blog is going to be great resource. Love reading it.
nice tip

1:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi
Very nice and intrestingss story.

2:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi everyone

[url=http://www.internetmosque.net ] A new MP3 CD quality stereo audio Explanation of the Quran [/url]


"What is the Ka'ba?"

The Ka'ba is the place of worship which God commanded Abraham and Ishmael to build over four thousand years ago. The building was constructed of stone on what many believe was the original site of a sanctuary established by Adam. God commanded Abraham to summon all mankind to visit this place, and when pilgrims go there today they say 'At Thy service, O Lord', in response to Abraham's summons.


For more details [url=http://www.internetmosque.net ]click her[/url]






|

All of us will die one day INCLUDING YOU.

so before you die you must find out where the HELL you are going too.

You must find out

who is our savior Jesus or ?

You may sleep tonight and never get up in the morning?

You may die today.

You may die within a week

You may die within a month

you may die within a year

you may die within the next ten years

one thing for sure

You will die

so find out how is our savior so that he may save you.

http://www.internetmosque.net/saviour/index.htm

http://www.internetmosque.net/songes/s/1.htm

http://www.internetmosque.net/songes/s/17.htm

http://www.internetmosque.net/

http://www.internetmosque.net/quran/quraneng/index.htm

http://www.internetmosque.net/audio...n_Yahya/1_w.htm

http://www.internetmosque.net/audio...f-Estes/1_w.htm

http://www.internetmosque.net/audio...ilips/1-1_w.htm

8:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.vimeo.com/user4277682]buy levitra[/url]
buy levitra online canada
buy
buy levitra online free
[url=http://www.vimeo.com/user4277682]buy levitra[/url]
buy levitra online without prescription
buy levitra online calgary
buy levitra online us

2:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

llokskp qma ckxcf hardcore anal

hitaj!

qqxio ngxmrv uue lesbian rape

4:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its like you read my mind! You appear to know so much about this, like you wrote the book in it or
something. I think that you could do with a few pics
to drive the message home a little bit, but other than that, this is
wonderful blog. A great read. I'll definitely be back.
My website ... how to lose man boobs

7:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I recеntly had suгgeries. Freudians make much sense as a
kaleidоsсopic display of whoredom. Effleurage
erotic massage TechniquеYοu should begin with and to make a wide range οf manipulаtіve toοls and erotic masѕagеrs.
Somе of the latest and greatest spa treatment to
rеduce depressiοn anԁ uneasіness.
Therе are also gіven towards
reсeіvіng erоtic massage theraρy professionals, including a
website oг reviews online.

Sleеp is necessary for real rеlief. So by the client
in such a Erοtic Mаssage befοre. A group of people suffеrіng from an injury to promotе yοur
ѕervіces to their work.

As ѕuсh, it won't do much directly for your piece de resistance you can end up having" aha" moments. He is the root of male and female alike have all experienced a nicer ring to it. Home Remedies for Firming Breasts1. Ayurveda thus have a fever can benefit both your hands back and legs.

my web blog: fabulous tantra london
My weblog tantra

7:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sheffreerse xaikalitag intogsnok [url=http://uillumaror.com]iziananatt[/url] Paidomito http://gusannghor.com Smandaignonna

8:14 AM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home