Disappointing Birthmother Reunions

Recommended Reading: A Large, Messy Mosaic: What have we learned from 30 years of open adoption? This article ran in Sunday's San Francisco Chronicle Magazine and can be found at www.sfgate.com. Type in "open adoption" in the search box. Adoptees from the closed era who are dealing with disappointing reunions may find it especially interesting.

and...you've GOT to read MarleyGreiner's post at www.bastardette.blogspot.com titled, "I've Heard This Song Before, Identity Bashing and the Trashing of Katrina Clark."

Technically, I shouldn't use the word "reunion" because I haven't met my birthmother yet and today, I'm not sure I want to.

Someone said it's the process of searching and finding that gives us power and helps to make us whole. Maybe it's not necessary to actually meet face-to-face.

I've had two self-centered adoptive parents who put me in the role of emotional caregiver, I'm not sure I can handle a third parent who doesn't seem to regret her decision to relinquish and has no "filters." She says pretty much what is on her mind and some of that stuff is painful to hear. My a-dad also lacks "filters" but with him, I know what to expect.

My birthmother has an untapped arsenal of foreign weaponry. She's a nice person, is not malicious and means no harm, but those barbed arrows hurt all the same. Like the time she went on and on about her firm choice to relinquish while her mother, sisters and eldest daughter begged her not to and called her "heartless." She seemed so proud that she had "done the right thing" and defied them. Look at how well you turned out, she seems to be saying. I guess she didn't hear the pain in my voice when I tried to describe the feelings of not fitting in with my adoptive family, my child-like father, my domineering-controlling mother.

So now I'm angry and I'm grieving. And I'm glad about that. Those feelings are long overdue. I can actually feel myself becoming a real person. More authentic.

So what am I thinking today? I searched. Check. I found. Check. Got to know her. Had lots of long talks. Got my backstory and learned about my heritage. And now I'm feeling bad. Her cavalier attitude toward my adoption may be a coping mechanism for her, but it's not healthy for me. I'm not calling as often. I'm putting up some emotional boundaries. I've learned it's important to take care of yourself when important people in your life are careless with their words. And you know what? All those "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" sayings were a load of crap. Words do have power.