Adoptee Grief and ADD???

The terms "adoption loss" and "adoption grief" abound in the literature.

Oddly, I understood them in an abstract way. Oh, people who are adopted feel loss. Adoptees feel sad because they were relinquished. But I never felt those things. Not until last week when, after seven months of therapy and exploring the impact adoption has had on my life, Grief decided to pay an unexpected visit.

Grief packs a whallop. It is cathartic. It is BIG.

So where the hell was it hiding all these long years?

Buried beneath mounds of denial, repression and layers of coping strategies. How can you feel grief about your adoption when you were never allowed to even mention the "A" word? That the few times you did, the reaction was anger and hysteria. To survive you had to pretend that you never had a birthmother. And if you didn't have a birthmother, how could you think about her and wonder why she gave you up?

My husband came home Friday night, looked around the house, and asked what was up. The house was clean! I looked around. He was right. Practically spotless. And then it hit me. Earlier, I'd spent an hour tidying up. No big deal. I cleaned until I was done. I didn't dust, stop, read a couple pages of a book, pluck my eyebrows and then sweep.

Then I had another realization. I've always done this: a sort of crazed multi-tasking that prevents me from finishing projects, especially big projects. This personal inclination is what led me to television production because I HAD to meet deadlines and deadlines provide welcome structure and success. Without an external deadline, I sort of fall apart, unable to set and meet goals.

I was going to say Grief is no walk in the park, but maybe it IS. While it's uncomfortable, it also clears the head. For the first time in my life, I can empty a dishwasher without getting distracted. I can read a book for a whole hour and I can do my hair and make-up and get ready in 40 minutes. What the hell is this about? Was I suffering some sort of grief related attention deficit disorder?

Besides some ADD, what else did Grief look like in my life? Was my long bout with hypochondria related to it? How about those anxiety attacks? How about all those times I had to take a nap because I was so tired and listless?

Something else to think about on my long walks with the dog!