Reunion: 1st Casualty

Umph.

My half-sister, 19 years old when I was born and one of the few souls who knew of my mother's predicament, has changed her mind about meeting me.

At least for now. I guess.

This coming weekend I'm heading south to check on my adoptive Dad who's in lockdown in a dementia unit plus getting together with my niece and meeting my birthmom for the first time.

Had planned to see my half-sister who cried when we first talked. She was very welcoming. Said a day had not gone by that she hadn't thought of me and wondered how everything had turned out. In fact, she said she'd begged our mother not to go through with her adoption plans but that our mother was determined from the start.

I always wanted a big sister so I took care to take it slow and easy. I was never emotional or clingy or needy.

So it came as a bit of a surprise when I called to confirm our plans only to discover that she'd had a change of heart. Not that she said so directly. It was all sort of mysterious and vague.

I suggested coffee on Friday and she said, Oh no, you're having dinner with our niece. No, said I. That's Saturday. Then she said she didn't want to be there when I met our mother on Sunday because that would be too many people, and concluded by saying I'd be very busy and she'd meet me next time I came down.

To be honest, yesterday, I just shrugged my shoulders and thought, "Oh well, I guess she's just not ready to meet me yet." But now it's beginning to nag at me. There are the faint stirrings of what I now recognize as my old fear of abandonment and rejection except, this time, I can identify those feelings. It's a sort of bubbling up of panic. I hope it doesn't get too bad and that I can overcome it. Especially because this half-sister is much more significant than my dog sitter who didn't call me back for days or the guy I once dated who disappeared from my life without a phone call or explanation.

Intellectually, I can understand her reluctance. She didn't ask for me to come back into their lives. She may be scared. The reason may be simple or complex. Maybe she doesn't know why she isn't ready to meet me but simply can't. She's obese. Maybe she wants to lose weight, first. Our mother, apparently, brags about how well I turned out and are siblings ever too old for rivalry?

I mean, really, who knows?

But I care.

Okay. This is definitely a trigger. Someone pulls a fade and I get all freaked out. Okay, okay. I'm gonna reach into my imaginary cupboard and take two chill pills with water.