Thursday, February 15, 2007

Adoptees: Writing Our Way Into Existence

Most people can never understand the depths of loss an adoptee experiences.

Joy wrote about this with her usual eloquence and creative flair. Please check it out. It made me a wee weepy. www.joy21.wordpress.com. Also, don't miss the comments.

Which leads me to the importance of blogging for some of us adoptees.

We try to explain.

We try to get people to understand.

We're trying to make sense of something we had no control over.

We try not to care about other's quivering indignation that we feel loss and grief instead of gratitude and joy that we were "chosen."

We try to shrug off all that unwanted advice. The "don't get stuck in the past" and the "just get on with your life" crap.

We MUST explore the past before we can embrace the future.

We MUST unlock the grief, the sadness, the confusion, the bewilderment and yes, the anger.

This is NOT getting stuck in the past. We MUST put a framework on it. We MUST define it and CONTAIN it because it's a Medusa of a monster. It's the scary fluttery demons inside Pandora's Box. Otherwise, the snakes or the demons continue to haunt us, attacking us when we least expect. They WILL get us if we don't get them first.

We DO exhaust ourselves trying to explain something some people really don't WANT to understand. It's just too uncomfortable.

In some cases, those who wanted us wanted someone, anyone, but not necessarily us.

On some days, we don't feel real. We feel unreal. Being adopted is a surreal state. We're trapped in a netherworld of being rejected and being wanted.

We exhaust ourselves trying to explain the inexplicable.

We struggle for words where they often fail us. How to capture this nuance? That fleeting feeling?

This is my belated Valentine's Day Love Note to the Blogosphere: Thank you for providing a way for me to write my way into existence. Thank you for providing a community of adoptees and others touched by and interested in adoption. Did I mention I LOVE comments and the genius that went into the creation of that feature? Thank you Blogosphere for making it possible for all of us adoptees to find each other...across state lines and time zones. For allowing us to explore our feelings while still in our jammies.

16 Comments:

Blogger suz said...

thank YOU nina for sharing your thoughts and experience. you make me a better, more compassionate, understanding mom in reunion.

12:18 PM  
Anonymous Mom2One said...

Nina,

Thank you for sharing with us.

I'm not an adoptee nor a birthmother. I can try to understand and maybe I can come close, but I know I'll never feel the feelings. I started out reading about birthmothers, probably because I'm a mother and I could relate to that loss a bit better. What I said on another blog kind of speaks to that and I'll just quote what I said there:

"it seems important for me to understand her [Nate's first mother's] path, her journey. I can't even articulate exactly why it's important, but it just is. Maybe just because if I understand the depth of her loss, then I can, to some extent, understand the depth of his loss. And I need to understand the depth of his loss to be the best possible parent that I can be for him."

Then, in reading adoptee's blogs, like yours, I can start to try to understand the depth of your loss, the depth of Nate's loss. Like I said, I know I'll never get there, but in coming to some kind of understanding or at least coming to him with an open heart and mind, I think will enable me to be a better parent to him.

And all of this is to say THANK YOU. I thank you for your honesty, your sharing, your feedback. It's a true gift.

Blessings on you, Nina. Your voice is precious and powerful.

12:38 PM  
Blogger chez said...

Thank you Nina for your voice.
You have the words to express MY feelings - and I thank you so much for that.
To feel validated - for possibly the first time in my life - has been an amazing thing.
And it is only through adoptees and others who truly understand all this mess/crap/bullshit - that I can make some sense of the whirlwind in my head.
This blogosphere is a very healing thing.
Big hugs, C. xxx

1:56 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

Suz & Mom2One:
To borrow the words of Rumsfeld...Geewhillikers! I forgot to mention my great appreciation for your voices, too. As much as it is wonderful to write, it's equally so to read your thoughts...those of open adoptive parents and those first mothers who are trying to make sense of it all, too.

Chez: I find it validating, too, to come across adoptees such as yourself. And I said across state lines! It's more like "across the world!" Being an adoptee is such a peculiar thing. It's something we ARE but it's personal and it often seems weird to bring it into a conversation so it makes it even harder to meet other adoptees...which even serves to alienate us further. Never was a technology so suited in matching "seekers" or, as another adoptee put it, "siblings of circumstance." Big hugs back!

3:35 PM  
Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

Thanks Nina for helping me understand your journey, for sharing so much of who you are even if you are in your jammies!

Happy Valentine's Day to you!

5:26 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

Coming to you this morning from the messiest office on the planet in my woefully ratty bathrobe & worn-out double-thick ankle socks. I'd like to join you in your Valentine's Day wish (albeit belated) to the Blogosphere.

And a toast to all the adoptees blogging: May we truly (and soon) write our way into existence (what a wonderful phrase!) - jammies, no jammies, overalls, "office casuals," loafers, pumps, etc!

Thank you, Nina.

5:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

quit smoking today -
reg defense -
reg genie -
registry easy -
registry genius -
registry smart -
registry winner -
registry winner download -
reg tool -
relationship headquarters -
reverse mobile -
richard mackenzie direct -
rocket japanese -
rotator cuff training -
satellite tv pc master -
secrets book -
spy no more -
spyware cease -
survey scout -
the bad breath report -
thedietsolutionprogram -
the diet solution program -
the guru assassin -
the power pause -
tmj help -
tonsil stones remedies -
turbulence training -
two minute profits -
vincedelmontefitness -
vince del monte fitness -
warp speed fat loss -
web traffic machines -
wedding speech 4u -
wind plans -

1:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

xp repair pro -
your fun business -
zygor guides -
500 love making tips -
acid alkaline diet -
acne no more -
advanced defrag -
anti spyware bot -
art of approaching -
banish tinnitus -
beat eczema -
blood pressure normalized -
burnthefat -
burn the fat -
conversationalhypnosis -
conversational hypnosis -
cpa arbitrage -
creative date ideas -
debt free in three -
digital background -
dirty talking guide -
discus fish secrets -
duplicate file cleaner -
dw insider -
earth4energy -
earth 4 energy -
easy tv soft -
easy web video -
eatstopeat -
eat stop eat -
end your tinnitus -
error doctor -
evidence smart -
fap winner -

1:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

fat burning furnace -
fat loss 4 idiots -
final sync -
final uninstaller -
firewall gold -
fitness model program -
fit over 40 -
fit yummy yummy -
flatten your abs -
forex auto pilot -
gain opinion -
gold secrets -
government records -
governmentregistry -
Auto Content Cash -
Banner Ad Blueprint -
Copy Paste Systems -
Every Other Day Diet -
Farm Ville Secrets -
Plugin To Green Profits -
Rapid Mass Traffic -
Tinnitus Miracle -
Tweetomatic Profiteer -
Woodworking 4 Home -
24 Hour Internet Business -
Blogging To The Bank -
Burn The Fat -
Earth 4 Energy -
Fap Turbo -
Fat Burning Furnace -
Fat Loss 4 Idiots -
Foex Auto Money -
Hemorrhoid Miracle -
Legit Online Jobs -

1:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Magic Of Making Up -
Magni Work -
Micro Niche Finder -
Plr Article Software -
Pregnancy Miracle -
Software Submitter Pro -
The Affiliate Code -
The Diet Solution Program -
Truth About Abs -
Zygor Guides -
government registry -
green diy energy -
healthy urban kitchen -
highest pay surveys -
holo think -
homemadeenergy -
home made energy -
i want a teaching job -
joyful tomato -
keyword elite -
learn photoshop videos -
lmt forex formula -
lower body make over -
macro virus -
malware bot -
maternityacupressure -
maternity acupressure -
meet your sweet -
microcap millionaires -
moles warts removal -
money siphon system -
muscle gaining secrets -
my list strategy -
my phone riches -

1:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

natural cancer treatments -
online tv pc -
panic away -
pdf creator -
peel away ads -
pips leader -
ppc web spy -
prevent sweating -
privacy control -
publicrecordspro -
public records pro -
questions for couples -
quick article pro -
quick paid surveys -
quit smoking today -
reg defense -
registry winner -
reg tool -
reverse mobile -
richard mackenzie direct -
rocket german -
rotator cuff training -
rss feeds submit -
satellite pc box -
save the marriage -
spy no more -
spyware stop -
super seduction power -
surefire trading challenge -
tattoo me now -
the bad breath report -
thedietsolutionprogram -
the diet solution program -
the dog food conspiracy -

1:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the mini site formula -
tmj help -
tonsil stones remedies -
truth about abs -
twitter trick -
vincedelmontefitness -
vince del monte fitness -
warp speed fat loss -
wedding speech 4u -
win clear -
xbox 360 red light fix -
xp repair pro -
500 love making tips -
acid alkaline diet -
advanced defrag -
alpha male system -
amazing cover letters -
anti spyware -
anti spyware bot -
article rewriter -
art of approaching -
auto cash system -
burnthefat -
burn the fat -
bv cures -
calling men -
camera dollars -
carb rotation diet -
cash making power sites -
cb mall -
combat the fat -
conversationalhypnosis -
conversational hypnosis -
credit secrets bible -

1:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

destroy hemorrhoids -
dirty talking guide -
dotcom income secrets -
duplicate file cleaner -
dvd copy pro -
earth4energy -
earth 4 energy -
easy launcher -
easy system cleaner -
eatstopeat -
eat stop eat -
eczema free forever -
end your tinnitus -
error nuker -
fatburningfurnace -
fat burning furnace -
fat loss 4 idiots -
final sync -
firewall gold -
fitness model program -
fit over 40 -
fit yummy yummy -
flattenyourabs -
flatten your abs -
forex candlesticks made easy -
forex killer -
forex megadroid -
get rid of your cellulite -
g money pro -
google shadow -
governmentregistry -
government registry -
gov resources -
health biz in a box -

1:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

homemadeenergy -
home made energy -
hybrid water power -
i software tv -
joyful tomato -
keyword spy pro -
kingdom of pets -
macro virus -
malware bot -
maternityacupressure -
maternity acupressure -
meet your sweet -
microcap millionaires -
moles warts removal -
mole wart removal -
muscle gaining secrets -
natural cure for yeast infection -
paid surveys etc -
panic away -
pdf creator -
public records pro -
quick article pro -
quick income blueprint -
quit smoking today -
ranking loophole -
reg clean -
reg defense -
regi cleanse -
registry easy -
registry genius -
registry winner -
reg sweep -
reg tool -
reverse mobile -

1:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

richard mackenzie direct -
rig worker -
rocket chinese -
rocket french -
rocket german -
rotator cuff training -
rss feeds submit -
save the marriage -
site builder elite -
six figure yearly 2009 -
sleep tracks -
sold in 21 days -
spyware stop -
stop being tired -
stop your hair loss -
the bad breath report -
thedietsolutionprogram -
the diet solution program -
tonsil stones remedies -
top secret magic code -
truth about abs -
turbulence training -
turn your photos into cash -
vincedelmontefitness -
vince del monte fitness -
warp speed fat loss -
wedding speech 4u -
win clear -
xbox 360 red light fix -
xp repair pro -
1st promotion -
3 redlight fix -
500 love making tips -
acid alkaline diet -

1:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

advanced defrag -
anti spyware -
anti spyware bot -
art of approaching -
banish rosacea -
blog lock down -
brad yates -
building a chicken coop -
burnthefat -
burn the fat -
carb rotation diet -
combat the fat -
conversationalhypnosis -
conversational hypnosis -
copy n profit -
credit secrets bible -
cure angular cheilitis -
cure morning sickness -
dirty talking guide -
domain tweak system -
dotcom income secrets -
duplicate file cleaner -
earth4energy -
earth 4 energy -
easy launcher -
easy system cleaner -
eatstopeat -
eat stop eat -
eczema free forever -
email finder -
energy 2 green -
error nuker -
evidence smart -
fat burning furnace -

1:34 AM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home