Friday, February 08, 2008

Now She Wants Me

I knew this day would come.

I suspected it might be triggering.

And it is.

My over eighty first mother was put in a nursing home.

A bio-relative kindly called to let me know and to say my mother was looking forward to talking with me. Which is nice.

I will call her.

After I'm over having my mini fit. When I've finished having my baby temper tantrum.

Oh sure, now she wants me. Now that she's alone and scared in some new institutional type of place.

The same woman who didn't want to see or hold me when I was born because she didn't, "want to get attached." The same 37-year old woman who had no idea I was placed in foster care for a whole month. Where was she when I needed her? When I was helpless and scared and wanted my mother?

Now she wants me?

On the one hand, it's very nice that she's worried I'd call and get a disconnected number. It's nice she wanted me to know where she was. Of course. But my half-sister isn't all that sympathetic with our shared mother. I know what my mother is looking for. A sympathetic ear.

Here's the trouble. After a lifetime of being the emotional caretaker of my narcissistic adad and garden variety self-centered amom, I'm all worn out. And I'm suspicious. Is my mother reaching out because she values ME or because she needs someone. Anyone?

Sheesh. I just reread this entry. It's quite a nasty, spiteful little post, but I'm committed to being honest so I'm going to let it stand.

25 Comments:

Anonymous suz said...

I dont think its nasty or spiteful. Angry? Yes. But you have plenty to be angry about. Concerned? Cautious? Anxious? Yup, yup and yup and also all justifiable.

And with your history with narcisstic parents, its understandable you dont want another person sucking the life out of you even if it is the one who gave you that life.

Hugs. (I like to believe some part of her always wanted you but she was/is ill equipped to properly express her feelings. But again, thats me, the pollyanna birth mother who refuses to believe any woman can give birth without feeling SOMETHING).

9:19 AM  
Blogger Being Me said...

Oh Nina, not nasty at all. Good Grief girl of course you need to be watchful and careful. It's sad that she had to wait until she's institutionalized to reach out a little bit. And however needy she may be at this point, for 'anyone', she is your mother.

Go to her when YOU want to.

11:54 AM  
Blogger Nina said...

Thanks, SUZ...

I'm all for pollyanna birth moms! And I'm sure she felt something for me...but not enough to keep me after having raised three children. I also just learned that her doctor had warned her against having more children after her first two because she was "too high strung." And her third child was sickly and needy. So I was, hah, the last straw!

I do appreciate the kind words of support, Suz!

BEING ME: Funny. That IS the upside to all this. That she IS my mother and I know who she is and where she is. I couldn't say that two years ago. She was just someone I dreamed about!

10:44 AM  
Blogger Laurie (formerly known as Momseekingpeace) said...

Aw the raw honesty..love it!

I think I might be suspicious too but there is a part of me that wonders if once she was moved to the nursing home that might have pushed her into thinking about the fact that she isnt getting any younger and if she is going to get to know you she better start.
Thats what I would like to believe.

9:48 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

Laurie,

That could be. I mean,we have talked. Unfortunately, she does most of the talking. This means I get to know a lot about her, but she really doesn't seem too interested in me or my life...maybe b/c it's too touchy. Dunno. Family say she's just that way. She is going to be 83 or 84...which reminds me, her birthday is coming up and I should send her something this time!

10:11 AM  
Blogger elizabeth said...

{{{Nina}}}} It is not nasty or spiteful, you are entitled to your feelings! Of course you are pissed off and you have every right to be!

I'm pissed off for you! You deserved better.

I hate adoption, it is such a mind-fuck.

Sending hugs xx

8:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Embrace your anger. You have a right to it. People shy away from anger as being unchristian and just a bbbaadddd thing but it can also protect you from being hurt.

My therapist said that he is on the side of the patient and that you should do what is in your best interest. ie take care of nina first and stop investing so much in relationships that give you little or poison in return

10:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

She waited until she was in her 80's before wanting to see you?

No wonder you're angry.

I found my son when he was 25 - I could not wait until I was in my 80's to see him, that's for sure. It has made all the difference in our reunion that we are both young enough to have decades ahead of us.

Why do people wait so long?
I can really understand why you feel the way you do - wondering if being in the nursing home makes her realise the grim reaper is not so far away.

12:33 PM  
Blogger Mia said...

I am GLAD you let this post stand! Yea, seems a little suspicious to me too but I guess it's never too late for someone to change. Maybe she has grown a conscience? For your sake I hope thats it and not purely selfish motives on her part.

12:06 PM  
Blogger Celera said...

Sometimes I think of people as sort of like movie theaters. (No, it makes sense, just wait!) They have to offer whatever they have to offer. If I go to the theater and want to see Gone with the Wind, well, that's just too bad. I can complain and make a fuss, but it won't really help. They're just showing what they are showing, and I can watch one of those movies, or I can go home.

Of course, you have a right to be angry, at your bmom, at fate, at whatever. But then, there is this person here, who is 83 and who might have something of value to offer you, even if it's too little and too late. And if you go there, and find that she isn't showing anything you feel like seeing, you can always go home. And rent a DVD. Wait...the analogy sorta falls apart there.

My point, I guess, is that the people in our lives are all flawed and limited. That doesn't mean they have no value to us at all, even if that value is some happiness or peace we can bring to them. Of course, even if you never thought of it in this weird way, you know this already.

10:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Motherhood and mothers are overpriced. Usually they are not so nice, caring and motherly at all. Lots of time it is only illusion.

Go to see her only if you feel you need to see her. You are not going to hell because you feel nothing for her. Religious believes based on fear of hell are false.

If you go to see her and she will talk only about her most of the time then she only want to use you. But if you want listen to her and want nothing back just go and see her. Just remember it was your decision and you are responsible for your emotions.

7:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, did this post hit home. I've been in reunion with bmother for twenty YEARS and only in the last four - since I had my own daughter, and now know "how it's supposed to be" - that I have been able to face (or even feel) my anger at bmother's selfishness. Although I believe fully that she gave some thought to 'wanting a better life' for me, her main reason for choosing adoption was to salvage her own life. And that continues to be part of who she is today.

Birthmother, adopted mother. In the true, full sense of the word, we adoptees have no mothers.

11:49 PM  
Blogger cindy psbm said...

Its likely she wasn't ALLOWED to hold you. Its likely she was never told that you were in foster care. Its likely that she is still afraid that people (her other children?) will reject her if she acts like she wants to know you. There are many reasons for her actions that have nothing to do with 'wanting' or not 'wanting' you. It is very possible that she always wanted you but wasn't ALLOWED. Personally I think all mothers want their children (I mean the ones that gave birth) and if you were surrendered during a certain time, you were likely TAKEN not unwanted.

4:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Technology really has become one with our daily lives, and I am fairly confident when I say that we have passed the point of no return in our relationship with technology.

I don't mean this in a bad way, of course! Societal concerns aside... I just hope that as the price of memory falls, the possibility of downloading our brains onto a digital medium becomes a true reality. It's one of the things I really wish I could encounter in my lifetime.

(Submitted by Nintendo DS running [url=http://quizilla.teennick.com/stories/16129580/does-the-r4-or-r4i-work-with-the-new-ds]R4i[/url] R4Net)

9:40 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

Maybe you dont post anyones views except adoptees on this forum, and if so, I respect that. But I came across this webpage by Googling the terms "adoption" and "mindfuck" because six months ago, when I placed my son for adoption, that's exactly what it was, and continues to be for me. Adoption is something you *choose* when you feel terribly helpless and backed into a corner. It's something people talk you into doing as well. Some of them genuinely mean well, some of them have a profit motive (i.e. the agency) My natural parents were narcissistic, lazy, and totally cray cray. My boyfriend chickened out and left me towards the end of my pregnancy, the economy had crashed, I had to leave my small apartment in Santa Monica and was basically homeless. So; Adoption. I love my son more than I can tell you. From a natural mom, to a group of adoptees, I just want you to know you're mother probably loved you more than you can fathom, but the world we live in is just-so-f*n-insane-and-backwards. It's terrible having to live with the mindfuck of being a *birthmom* The upside is, the adoption is very open and his family, from what I can tell so far, is really awesome. They're cool people and very stable. Life is what you make it I guess?

Sincerely,

Broken Hearted Mom

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