Now She Wants Me

I knew this day would come.

I suspected it might be triggering.

And it is.

My over eighty first mother was put in a nursing home.

A bio-relative kindly called to let me know and to say my mother was looking forward to talking with me. Which is nice.

I will call her.

After I'm over having my mini fit. When I've finished having my baby temper tantrum.

Oh sure, now she wants me. Now that she's alone and scared in some new institutional type of place.

The same woman who didn't want to see or hold me when I was born because she didn't, "want to get attached." The same 37-year old woman who had no idea I was placed in foster care for a whole month. Where was she when I needed her? When I was helpless and scared and wanted my mother?

Now she wants me?

On the one hand, it's very nice that she's worried I'd call and get a disconnected number. It's nice she wanted me to know where she was. Of course. But my half-sister isn't all that sympathetic with our shared mother. I know what my mother is looking for. A sympathetic ear.

Here's the trouble. After a lifetime of being the emotional caretaker of my narcissistic adad and garden variety self-centered amom, I'm all worn out. And I'm suspicious. Is my mother reaching out because she values ME or because she needs someone. Anyone?

Sheesh. I just reread this entry. It's quite a nasty, spiteful little post, but I'm committed to being honest so I'm going to let it stand.