My Mother: That Unwanted Feeling

I started a thread on this on AAAFC, but decided to duplicate it here because some readers aren't forum members.

My mother called on Christmas and left a lovely message. She said something like, "You're such a nice person and you deserve the best and to be happy."

So I've tried to call her several times, but couldn't bring myself to do it. It's like I suddenly feel all clammy and I start to breathe fast and I feel slightly dizzy. And then it pops into my head, "I can't believe she gave me away!" Sometimes, I'll wake up in the middle of the night and that's the first thing I think. Out of the blue.

In the past, I've said that I don't feel safe around my mother. She unintentionally says things that are crushing. But I'm wondering if there's something more to this. I wonder if I can sense that she really never wanted me...back to in utero. She was 37 and by her own admission determined on adoption from the start, against family pressure to keep me. She's even said that her mother and sisters called her "heartless" for doing so.

An AAAFC member said that unwanted feeling - or knowledge - is deeply imprinted upon those of us whose mothers really did not want to keep us. I'm thinking she's absolutely right.