Oh Come Ye Children of Narcissists

Just in time for the holidays!

Another post about dealing with a narcissistic parent.

After lots of therapy and endless intensive effort to emotionally detach from my toxic, elderly, narcissistic adoptive father, I'd like to report even more progress. If you have come here searching for information, I want to tell you it is possible to escape from their clutches.

I can now listen to one of his disturbing phone messages and giggle. A year ago, an abusive, demanding phone call would have left me sputtering with rage. I'd replay what he said over and over in my head. A single phone call could ruin my day. Several days.

Most recent example: He asked that I send him a new pair of slippers. The old slippers I gave him were not only falling apart, he said, but were making him fall down. (He falls down because he has Lewy Body dementia...different from Alzheimers. This frontal lobe disease means he lacks judgment and inhibition...which he had little of before. But basically, he's the same as he always was, just worse).

I also got the blame for his rapid decline in health because I stuck him in an assisted living facility. The fact that he is 81 and has heart disease and dementia had nothing to do with it.

I also got the blame for choosing a doctor who won't take his complaints about his aches and pains seriously and give him medicine to "cure" him. The fact that there is no cure for old age also escapes him. (I also got the blame for making him sick and sending him to the hospital when I was selfish enough to go away to college).

So I sent him some new slippers. He calls to say he got them and that they fit perfectly. And you know what he said? "Finally! You did something right for a change."

I laughed. I actually laughed.

I spent my life doing stuff for him. And my adoptive mother. And it was never enough. Or right. After them not doing much for me. The bare minimum. I mean, my adoptive mom thought driving me to school or taking me to the park (twice) were enough to qualify her for sainthood. Such amazing feats of selflessness required my undying gratitude and lifelong servitude.

Because it's Christmas time and with all the gift buying going on, I got to thinking. As soon as I started earning money, I bought them nice gifts. Thoughtful ones. I got a card with a little money. I can't remember a single gift they ever gave me. Because they never gave me anything, except when I was a little kid. My husband says it's because they didn't really know me and that if you aren't close to someone, you have no idea what they like. He said they were always too busy talking about themselves to learn anything about me. Which is true. They always blamed me for not being close to them, but how can you get close to someone who won't let you finish a sentence? I worked for years in television news production and they would tell people they had no idea what I did for a living. Writing, something like that. I told them a hundred times - desperate for attention and approval. My kids are smarter. They don't even bother trying to talk to my adoptive father. They just sit there and nod politely and then leave the room as soon as possible.

Anyway!

If you are in the process of trying to emotionally detach from a narcissistic parent, but haven't yet done so, and find yourself thrown together during the holiday season or are upset about something that parent is sure to do and worried that you may finally flip out and lose it, you have my sympathy. The holidays are already stressful enough. Try visualizing zipping yourself into an invisible full body shield that will deflect all the crap that is sure to be flung. And if you want to whine about anything, please feel free to leave a comment. Whiners are more than welcome here.