Monday, November 19, 2007

Depressive Slumps and Other Setbacks

Snapped out of a week long depressive slump. A combination of National Adoption Month and my narcissistic adoptive father got me down. Felt fatigued for no good reason. Took naps. Had a root canal. Writing project suffered a bit. Wanted to disappear.

And then today, much better. Even though it's dreary outside. Spent the morning figuring out a-dad's latest medical bills and writing checks. Assuming responsibility for an elderly parent, even when in an assisted living facility, is more than a part time job.

Today's thoughts, in bullet points, because who has time?

1) I wouldn't wish adoption on my enemy (not that I have any).

2) What's gonna happen to all those aging narcissists who are gonna need help with care (and money) when the time comes? After a lifetime of neglect and emotional abuse, are their child(ren) available, willing or able to step up to the plate? It's not like adult children of narcissists have happy memories to fall back on to get them through the tough times. It's not like their narcissistic parents were ever lovely and giving and nuturing and now they're old and needy and crotchety. They were young, needy and crotchety. This is where the Living Longer trend becomes worrisome. Who wants to shoulder the burden of an aging narcissistic parent for - gasp - 10, 15, 20 years? I've just entered my FIFTEENTH year of being responsible for aging narcissistic parents. You've read my blog. You've seen what a mess I am.

3) Why don't I feel more like a bonified grown-up even though I'm in my mid-forties? Is this because there's something about being forever branded and treated as an "adopted child" (without the same rights as everybody else) or does it also have something to do with being the adult child of a narcissist? We weren't allowed to individuate. Well, I did, but it was like losing several limbs in the process. Basically, like a scene out of Saw.

4) Now that I've spent so much time "unrepressing" myself and finally admitting - yes, adoption sucks - is it time to put adoption back in The Box? Maybe pretend I'm not adopted? Stop thinking about it. Think about other things. Wait. That's what I did before and I was a raging hypochondriac and stricken with anxiety. But now that I've dealt with "it," would I start to have those problems again?

5) Making my way through Nick Hornby books. First time. Some reviewers have described him as a "manly writer" and I thought that meant, you know, Fight Club stuff. So opposite that. Crediting Mr. Hornby for helping me laugh my way out of my latest depressive slump.

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14 Comments:

Anonymous kimkim said...

I love your blog. I can so relate to coping with the N. Parent stuff too.

2:38 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

Thank you, KimKim!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

5:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nina, I am so sorry you were adopted by major Ns. However, remember that unlike biological children, you have the added bonus of not sharing DNA w/ your N-parents. I once told my N-mother that society owed me a stipend for not duplicating her DNA! That threw her for a loop. I adore your blog. Thanks, Cynthia

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