Friday, November 02, 2007

Attaching to the Narcissistic Parent

My aging narcissistic a-father called to ask that I send him more of his favorite candy. Immediately. So there it sits on my kitchen counter. I may get around to mailing it today. Or maybe not. It's my little act of revenge for what happened when I was ten. And basically, for ruining my third decade.

Let's start with my thirties and work backward...in bullet points...because who has time?

--after emotionally and financially cutting me off because I decided to go away to college instead of staying home, a-mom develops Alzheimers when I'm 30;
--a-dad and family try to pressure me into personally caretaking rapidly declining a-mom (while also caring for toddlers?); I refuse but manage a-mom's care and find caretaker;
--massive guilt sets-in; I develop severe hypochondria and suffer from anxiety attacks
--a-mom dies; I now become a-dad's caretaker, which really isn't any different from before because he's a flaming narcissist
--a-dad develops dementia; the beginning of my (fucked) forties

So here's where the damned candy comes in.

When I was ten, I stayed in the hospital after doctors removed a suspicious cyst on my forehead. I stayed alone. A-mom was upset and worried and "couldn't take it" and it was more relaxing with her out of the picture.

But here's the new information: a-dad told me that he and a-mom ARGUED over this. The nurse invited a-mom to stay overnight in the extra bed and a-mom REFUSED, saying there was no way she was going to spend the night in a hospital because it was too uncomfortable, boring, etc., and that he could stay if he wanted to. (He didn't) Then she left in a huff.

Now this may not sound like that big of a deal.

But it is.

Obviously, my self-absorbed mother wasn't all that attached to me because otherwise wild horses couldn't have dragged her from my side. Looking back, her comfort and convenience pretty much trumped my needs every time. It was my job to make her happy, not the other way around. She did a lot of fussing over my selfish ways, ingratitude, cold heart, failure to pay homage to the Maternal Goddess, but her expectations far exceeded my ability to produce the necessary demonstrations of affection.

Because it's hard to love a parent when you know, deep in your heart, that they don't love you. Not really. They love the idea of you.

When I was young, I got little.

Then I was expected to give and give and give.

And now that I figured this out, I can't believe I wasted an ENTIRE DECADE feeling guilty for not giving more of myself when my a-mom really, truly didn't care much about me. This realization is pretty awful. So horrible and terrible that when I figured it out, I just sort of fell apart earlier this week. But it's what I always suspected.

I wish people like my a-mom would just remain childless and not try to adopt and make the lives of already once abandoned children a misery...subjecting them to the double whammy of a two mother abandonment.

54 Comments:

Blogger Mary said...

our amothers had a lot in common. ugh. adoption sucks!

5:08 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

Hi Mary,

My sympathy! WHY such self-centered people would go through the trouble of adopting is a mystery. You'd think the sheer inconvenience of the paperwork would put them off. Although, in my era with so many infants available, it was probably a half-page no brainer. And yeah, adoption sucks. Oh...and Happy National Adoption Month.

6:54 PM  
Anonymous mia said...

"They love the idea of you".....hmmmmm. Yea.

5:55 AM  
Blogger Nina said...

Hi Mia,

I think self-absorbed people are only capable of very shallow emotions...and those are fear and anger based...so when they think "baby," I suspect they think pink booties, cute gurgling noises and later, a little girl who will adore "Mommy." But WE know parenthood isn't like that. It's no wonder these sorts of parents are surprised and disappointed when we prove hard work and are challenging and not always compliant and want some independence...our independence being the most threatening thing to them.

8:30 AM  
Blogger Ungrateful Little Bastard said...

Exactly, of course it's threatening. My purpose was to be an abstract idea replacement for a real Theresa. Once cognition and an increased vocabulary set in, that's when things started to get tough.

9:13 AM  
Blogger Elise said...

I don't know how much my experience with my n-mom had an impact on my conscious decision not to have children.

But when I told her about it, you'd have thought I was telling her about my future plans to become an axe-murderer. She launched off (as usual) on speeches about the wonders of pregnancy and breastfeeding...nothing much about the stuff most parents love the most (like watching your child learn and grow).

Makes sense that an N would enjoy the parts of parenthood where the mother is more or less the one in the spotlight...not the child.

The kicker? Not only did she adopt my older brother, but she did NOTHING when my father, who was having trouble controlling my brother (who was 14 or so, and acting out big time, no surprise), tried to make my brother a ward of the state. Nice move to try to pull on an adopted kid, huh? She talked a good game about being upset about it, but (unlike many other issues where she fought my father in court), she did nothing on this one.

My brother was in therapy close to two decades before I was, and dropped both of his a-parents like hot rocks by the time he was 30. It's saved him a lot of grief.

And now that we're in our 40s, we are the primary "family" for each other. We're very close.

Funny how these things work out, isn't it?

Great post, Nina...

12:33 PM  
Blogger Esther said...

Thanks for your sage advise over on Possums blog.

You wrote: "we don't want to see the adoption industry grow..."on the backs" of voiceless children". I whole heartedly agree. We went thru an adoption last year that wound us up in Russia adopting a little girl (age 4 now), and we spent days with her. Then we found out from the Russian authorities that our daughter could never come home with us because our agency is baby trafficking. How sick and perverted is that?

So we never went back to Russia. This year we adopted two sisters, age 2 & 4, and can only speak positively of the experience and our new agency.

Yes, so many agencies give the whole industry and experience a horrible name. Best wishes!

6:44 AM  
Blogger Esther said...

PS..I read your post about your a-parents health. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with that! Alot of stress I'm sure.

6:44 AM  
Blogger Nina said...

ELISE:

"Makes sense that an N would enjoy the parts of parenthood where the mother is more or less the one in the spotlight...not the child."

That was amazingly insightful. I hadn't quite thought of it in that way. Absolutely!

Gosh, Elise, your poor brother. Your dad tried to make him a ward of the state? The only thing that works with a difficult teenager is unconditional love, consistency and natural consequences (never punishment)....not horrible threats like that. Sounds like your brother "unadopted himself." Good for him! And it's lovely that you two are close.

4:04 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

Esther, Thank you for visiting my blog. Another concern that you'll see many adult adoptees express - besides the rapid growth of the adoption industry as a way to supply babies to couples who want them - is that many adoptive parents seem to be narcissistic...which is exactly the WRONG type of parent for an adopted child. I don't know WHY that is, but we've noticed the signs on certain forums. I'm personally in favor of psychological screening of prospective AP's. Such a screening would have red flagged my a-parents in about one minute, especially my a-dad!

4:12 PM  
Blogger Eve said...

How terrible for your 10-year-old self. I have daughters who are 10 and, well... wild horses could not drag me away from their bedsides if they were hospitalized. You're quite right about that.

Two comments: first, there is no attaching to a narcissist, because there's nothing (or little) to become attached to. It is not a real relationship.

Second, adopted people tend to confuse the un-realness of relationship to nutty adoptive parents with the un-realness of adoption in general. Adoption does not suck in general. It sucks specifically for people who are adopted by nut cases, or it sucks specifically for people who adopt nut cases, or for people who give up their children (or have them taken away) and whose children are subsequently adopted by nut cases, and so on and so forth.

I just want to comment on that. And, you know, we require our cops to take psychological testing before they are allowed into academy, along with other protective types (military, etc.). While we're doing this, we ought also to rule out psychiatric illness and personality disorders among licensed therapists of all kinds, social workers, foster parents, and adoptive parents.

It's scandalous and yet chillingly meaningful that we do not do this, when we have every capability of doing it, the cost is not high, and the reality gained would be enlightening.

I'm sorry nobody cares for most adoptable children enough to take that extra step to protect them from people like your adoptive parents. Shame on us as a culture, and what are we going to do about it?

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