The Art of NOT Feeling

Got a call from my narcissistic a-dad.

Not all that long ago, such a call would have been upsetting and triggering and would have left me churned up and tossing and turning all night.

I've hardly thought about it all.

Tonight, I experienced that phone call in a totally detached manner. I was able to roll my eyes and hang up the phone.

I'm trying to analyze this a bit because it goes to the very root of the issues I still struggle with today, in middle age, which are: feeling invisible and not taking myself seriously or respecting myself.

Here's how the call went:

A-Dad: Is that you, Nina? Did you send that candy I asked for?
Me: No, not yet. I had to go-
A-Dad: But I asked for that candy yesterday. Why haven't you sent it?
Me: Well, it's because I-
A-Dad: I really need it soon. When can you send it? Oh, did I tell you that my shoulder is....(goes on about the agony he is in)
Me: Oh, that's too bad, okay, I'll call your doctor tomorrow to see if....etc.
A-Dad: How are the girls?
Me: Fine, they-
A-Dad: (interrupts) How's Butchie? There's a disease that's going around killing dogs, etc. How's ______ (my husband)?
Me: Oh, he's fine too, but he's-
A-Dad: (interrupts) Well, about my shoulder, let me tell you (goes on again)...and when are you going to send that candy?
Me: Maybe tomorrow. I went to the dentist today and I'm...
A-Dad: Well, I really need that candy so don't forget. And don't forget to call the doctor about...You know, I really love hearing your voice. I get so lonely.

What I was TRYING to tell him, over and over again, was that I'd gone to the dentist and could hardly talk. At the end of the call, I practically had to shout that I was in such pain I had to go. I needn't have bothered. He totally ignored it. And before anybody reminds me that my a-dad has some dementia...yes he does, but this is the same treatment I got when I was a kid. I remember is clearly. Desperately trying to tell him something that happened to me at school or about my big plans for the future and he'd interrupt and talk about something somebody had done to him that had pissed him off, then get angry that I wasn't sympathetic enough. I was probably twelve.

By cutting me off and failing to let me finish a sentence or acknowledge what I just said or express any sort of empathy is....horrible. But I'm an adult. A grown-up who's lived in the wider world and had lots of therapy.

But to treat a CHILD that way? It's monstrous. How frightening for any child to remain so thoroughly unacknowledged.

No wonder I had no idea of how I felt...about anything. I was treated like I didn't exist...except to serve. I am only "loved"...not because of MY voice but because of my ability to listen and support and because I do things for him.

Was skimming through Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child and came across this quote: "They have all developed the art of not experiencing feelings, for a child can only experience his feelings when there is somebody there, who accepts him fully, understands and supports him."

Miller was actually talking about mothers. My mother was self-absorbed, too, in a different way. She was threatened by any emotion other than happy. A sad Nina was NOT allowed. She slapped me once for crying over a boyfriend because I'd scared her.

So I didn't feel. Not for the longest time. At least not true feelings. About many things, including my adoption.

If you have parents like these, adopted or not, read every book you can about emotionally detaching from them. If you can afford it, find a therapist who specializes in the aftermath of narcissistic parents. If they are destroying you and making a misery of your life, cut them out of your life or, at least, put up some very big boundaries that look like the fences in Jurassic Park to contain the T-Rex. But see? In the end, even that fence wasn't even strong enough.