Thursday, August 30, 2007

Becoming Real

I can't believe it.

I just can't believe it.

I am living proof that living a lie makes you sick.

Talking about...

Minimizing the impact adoption has had on my life;

being forced to pretend that I wasn't adopted to make my adopters happy;

being trained to become my adopters emotional caretakers;

not being allowed to finish a sentence or more than eight words put together, ever, to this very day by my a-dad;

being mocked for having different ideas or opinions;

and...being denied my history.

What do I mean by "sick?"

Since getting real, facing the truth, getting into therapy, finding my first mother, lots of reading, tons of reflection, I am no longer.....

Depressed; I realize now that the occasional lack of focus and unexplainable fatigue that mysteriously came and went was depression and that I'm much, much, much better now;

Anxious; Anxiety was my biggest challenge, taking the form of hypochondria, which is a particular type of hell;

A Pathetic People Pleaser; I've had to work very hard on this one;

Inauthentic; I really had to dig deep to find me; it took lots and lots of practice; What do I think about____? What do I want to do? How do I feel? Instead of...how SHOULD I think or behave or feel because it's what someone else expects. It sounds absolutely ridiculous to be in one's forties and not have any idea of how you truly feel about anything, but it's both possible and true, especially if you've been raised by someone with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder);

and all because I'm no longer IN DENIAL. I wasn't a real person. Nope. I was a walking-talking bundle of Coping Strategies.

To whom do I owe my progress?

Time to roll the credits:

Me, myself and I! For finally, FINALLY, saying...I've had enough; I deserve to find my history, my story, my mother;

Fellow adoptees like Joy and Julie and Elizabeth and Mia and Marlee and Possum and others too numerous to mention;

My first mother; a bit of a disappointment, but she's still my mother and I have a right to know her name and her face;

My lovely therapists;

My amazing, supportive husband;

And finally, author Alice Miller...for her books like "Drama of the Gifted Child," which I highly recommend to anyone with the burden of being raised by a narcissistic parent.

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11 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks Nina for all you write. I'm 41 and still struggling with the same issues you speak of, especially the knowing your true self versus who you "should" be for others - and yes, I was brought up by adoptive NPD and enabler. Congratulations on all your progress. It's a long road, but finding others have had the same shitty parents really helps!

4:36 AM  
Blogger Nina said...

Anonymous, Well heck, you're way ahead of me and on the right track! I had "broke through" at 45. It drives me crazy to think we were placed in such homes with such incapable people. As for your struggle, just know that it takes lots and lots of "practice" to let go. It's a daily challenge. I used to get sooo stirred up by my a-dad and would let him ruin way too much of my time and energy. I don't know you, but I'm rooting for you.

5:14 PM  
Blogger Doughnut said...

You deserve the lion's share of credit for your break through Nina! Congrats to you on a hard year of personal work but it is paying off big dividends for you and your family - cudos!

5:31 PM  
Blogger Possum said...

WOO HOO Nina.
All power to you my friend.
And big hugs from me - always.
You have helped me in unmeasurable ways also.
I'm so glad I found the adoptee blogosphere - it's been a gift.
We have to help each other thru this mess - cause no one else will.
Love ya.
Poss. xxxxx

5:36 PM  
Blogger Ungrateful Little Bastard said...

Hypochondria IS hell. No one gets it unless you've been there. I was a silent hypochondriac, too afraid to even voice what was going on inside my head. I hated it. I'm so glad you're free of it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

4:33 AM  
Blogger Celera said...

*cheer*

The truth shall set you free! :)

11:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with Leo, lion's share to YOU BABY!!! You are an inspiration and I mean that most sincerely.

What a long strange trip it's been.

xoxo

6:50 AM  
Blogger Nina said...

THANK YOU everybody!

8:12 AM  
Blogger Nina said...

THANK YOU everybody!

8:12 AM  
Blogger Gershom Kaligawa said...

wow, powerful, truthful, well said!!

6:19 PM  
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