And the Narcissist Said....

Interesting!

This blog may have started out as a way to explore my experience as an adoptee, but it seems what draws many visitors is the grim subject of dealing with a narcissistic parent.

This according to Blog Patrol.

While being given away by your own mother blows, the wind blows just as hard for those raised by a narcissist.

I know at least one person whose first mother not only relinquished her, but in reunion, revealed herself to be a narcissist to boot.

Then there are adoptees like me, who were given away as infants, only to land in the clutches of a narcissistic adoptive parent. Being an adoptee makes it even harder to escape or detach from the narcissistic parent because of all the traits we adoptees collect as we grow up among genetic strangers: the people pleasing, the false self and the ever-present expectation, subtle or not, that we be grateful to our new set of parents, capable or incapable.

Did Christina Crawford, that most famous of adoptees, describe her adoptive mother as a narcissist? Or just as a disturbed, lonely, alcoholic actress? I must go back and reread it.

Which raises the issue of celebrities adopting today. It seems to me that they didn't get that way because they were simply artistic, self-effacing people. Sure, some of them wanted to act or sing or perform. But some were driven by the need to be the center of attention. One way to get it is to bask in the glow of the public's approval of the celebrity adopter who has "saved" an orphan. Another way is to turn that child into narcissistic supply. No doubt some of these adoptees - when grown up - will discover the work of Alice Miller and declare themselves to be prisoners of their own childhoods. No doubt we can expect to spend future decades reading and weeping over the tell-all autobiographies of these "rescued" children.

But back to the garden variety narcissist.

I must admit I'm FASCINATED by the things they say and do.

They are not quite human. Or maybe just too human.

It's a good thing I'm not so angry lately because my a-Dad's most recent comment would have really upset me. It just stings a little. But it's so revealing. So I'll share it.

He called asking me to send him something. ASAP as usual. I agreed.

Then he said, "I really depend on you. I guess I have to be nice to you."

True. I'm an only child and the only person in his life.

He COULD have said any number of things, like: "I appreciate all you do for me," "I'm lucky to have such a good daughter," or, simply, "Thank you."

But no. Just a gruding admission that circumstances are forcing him to be nice. Which also means he wouldn't be nice if he didn't have to rely on me. The manipulation is revealed in this simple statement. It sums up our entire relationship. A narcissist isn't completely stupid. They can't afford to alienate everybody.

As I mulled this over last night, driving in my car, I listened to a new song by Nick Lowe, "I Trained Her to Love Me." I found it profoundly upsetting. In an interview, he said he intended it to be provocative. Lowe succeeded by that measure. I wonder....did he unintentionally compose an anthem for narcissists everywhere?