Wednesday, May 30, 2007

SOCIALLY ENGINEERED

It was something Elizabeth said. About not thinking of her a-arents as her parents. Not because they didn't try or that she's angry at them. She's not. Just because it didn't work out.

And the lights went off.

Just because my first mother decided to give me away, just because some social worker picked out one set of strangers over another, just because the couple who would eventually "get me" wanted a baby when one was available, doesn't mean that I'm stuck with the burden of thinking of these people as my parents.

If they'd ACTED like parents, now that would be something else.

My a-parents were totally incapable of unconditional love. They NEEDED a baby. They wanted a girl to grow up and keep them company and take care of them when they got old. They were self-centered.

I am not obliged to LOVE them.

They aren't my parents.

I am a product of social engineering. Too bad it didn't work out better. But what can you expect? Without blood ties, without empathy or understanding or real love, is it any surprise? Any relationship that depends on NEEDS instead of LOVE is doomed to fail.

Some lady I can't remember waved her wand over the paperwork, but that doesn't mean I have to continue following orders 40-some years later.

Thank you, Elizabeth.

Thinking about things THIS way helps to emotionally distance myself from my narcissistic adoptive dad.

18 Comments:

Blogger elizabeth said...

Hi Nina, I'm glad something I said helped you in some small way.

Adoption is indeed a failed social experiment that needs to end.

5:09 PM  
Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

Hi Nina...I was reading about narcissism and its effects on partners. Some of it was very interesting and I thought of you as I was reading it. There are ten sections within the link but you might scan/read over it and see if there are any characteristics that look familar.
http://www.drirene.com/1_nar.htm

7:17 PM  
Anonymous Judy said...

It's not the same thing at all, of course -- not the same level, the same intensity, etc. I just want to make sure that you know that I'm not comparing the two. But there are some extended relatives of ours that I really can't stand and my sister did the "well, they're our relatives, after all, Judy, we don't have any choice in this," and my response was, "they're not mine. I voted them off of my island. Some people care about that stuff, but I toss those people out my car window like cigarette butts."

So there -- you voted them off of your island. :)

Isn't your island a whole lot lighter, sunnier, and happier now?

10:44 AM  
Anonymous Manuela said...

Wow... this is so FREAKY... I wrote almost the identical post this week over on my blog about my own adoptive parents.

It STILL amazes me to learn that I am not alone in my feelings as an adoptee. I always thought I was just an ungrateful FREAK. While I don't wish the experience on anyone, I AM so grateful to meet others who GET it.

1:59 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

No, thank YOU Elizabeth!

Leroy...Gonna check out that link. Mmm. Goody. One of the things I freak out about is that the narcissism rubbed off on me - like a bad disease - especially after reading Alice Miller. Then again, my friends say IRL I let other people "control" the stage. So whew. In fact, trying to "take up more space" on the stage is a challenge.

Judy, Judy, Judy...HEAVE HO! You just reminded me of my FAVORITE reality show ever and I'm NOT a reality fan: it was produced by a British prod. company and the participants had to live on a windswept island off the Scottish Hebrides (sp?) for a whole year and build a community together. Very British because no voting off...they had to STAY on the damn island and survive. Was fascinating!

MANUELA..Gonna check out your blog and read whatya wrote. Comfort in numbers. It's such an awful, guilt inducing thing not to love one's parents...scarring. We WANT to but we just CAN'T.

6:31 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

LEROY, Yeah, as it turns out I HAVE read that guy and he's both scary and insightful! Even learned that my Dad is a compensatory narcissist (not the grandiose variety).

7:05 PM  
Blogger MomEtc. said...

I've read that guy too. I've learned much from him.

Glad to read that you are able to distance yourself from someone who was harmful to you.

11:35 AM  
Blogger Andie D. said...

I read a book that was all about dealing with toxic people. I was amazed to learn that you could just "unplug" from them and stop giving them power.

It sucks, but sometimes that is exactly what's needed. I unplugged from my amom about 7 years ago. It's taken my asis, who is not adopted, longer.

In a way, we may have an edge because these people are NOT our parents. If they suck, we can just call it like it is, and UNPLUG!

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