Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Don't Try THIS at Home!

Faults are thick
where love is thin

Don't ask me who first said this. Saw it on one of those church billboards.

Then, I was struck by Joy's most recent comment. Yesterday, I was unglued because I found out my NAD (narcissistic a-dad) was bad mouthing me to his psychologist. Joy mentioned "traumatic attachment disorder" as discussed by fellow adoptee Julie Rist (I love those two). So I looked it up. That, plus reread some articles on adoption and attachment (or is reattachment more appropriate?).

Anyway, there's a WHOLE lot written on getting babies to attach to their adoptive parents and there's much written about kids who didn't/couldn't attach and the horror show that follows.

What does it look like when that child who failed to attach is all grown up?

Read my blog, folks. I think she looks like ME.

Yes, I have all the usual adoptee related issues PLUS. Like I couldn't trust them. Ever. Because all they ever did was lie to me. And when they weren't lying, they were controlling or withholding.

The only thing that bound us together as a family was, first, brainwashing followed by loads of guilt.

Anyway, if you're an adoptive parent with a young child or a prospective adoptive parent, do NOT try this at home or you're gonna end up with someone like me: A-failed-to-attach-adult-daughter-or-son:

--Do not tell her she is chosen or picked or special

--Do not call her mother bad names

--Do not withhold information about her first family or forget important details about them

--Do not cry or have a temper tantrum if she asks about her first family

--Do not pretend to third parties she is your biological child

--Do not call her ungrateful if she acts like a typical teenager who wants a little independence

--Do not use terms like "rescue" because that's about YOU...not her

--Do not make adoption about YOU

--Do not minimize her losses and discourage her from discussing adoption on her terms

Well, I can go on and on, couldn't I?

But I won't.

My fingers are cramping up.

Labels:

18 Comments:

Blogger elizabeth said...

{{{{Nina}}}} I wish you could break free from your Ndad. You owe him nothing.

3:39 PM  
Blogger suz said...

once again nina, you sound frighteningly like another female adoptee i know. only i gave birth to that one. sigh. helpful but makes me sad for you and for her.

3:57 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

Elizabeth, Break free. Oh, those words speak entire chapters 'cause you know better than most that NPD enslaves!

Gosh Suz...I hope her a-parents didn't try out that whole list on your daughter. At least your aware of her situation. That's a really big deal whether she realizes it yet or not. My first mom is sticking to her story. She made a great choice, I had it great and I'm a "pleasant person." It's lovely that you are so empathetic.

5:35 PM  
Blogger suz said...

nina - can i email you? i dont see it listed here. can you send me a message at suz at ehbabes dot com so I can write you back. i want to ask you something.

9:36 AM  
Blogger Nina said...

Hi Suz,

Absolutely...please email me at: ninadlf@yahoo.com.

11:24 AM  
Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

Nina...a good list of not to do. How about a list of "to dos" for those who might be lurking and adopting - from your perspective and experience? Hope you took some aleve for the cramping fingers - ouch!

11:10 AM  
Blogger Possum said...

Nice post Nina.
Oh, if only the people who need to read this, would.
Poss. xx

10:19 PM  
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