BACKSLIDE
Just got off the phone w/my narcissistic a-dad's psychologist.
He told me my NAD (narcissistic a-dad) was complaining - bitterly - that I never came to visit and instead visited my in-laws.
Untrue. Hard to know if he's lying. Again. For pity. Or maybe it's the dementia and he can't remember. Even in the old days, NAD used to lie lie lie about all sorts of things, mostly to get what he wanted or to make others look bad and position himself as a victim.
He...the withholder of information about my adoption particulars. He...the person who told me I was Jewish (wrong) and who was so ashamed of my status as an adoptee he lied about it to everybody and made me lie, too.
Why do I care?
What happened to my hard-achieved emotional detachment?
Really, it was probably more about NAD'S misery at being stuck in an assisted living facility and getting old in such an awful way than it was about ME. Aiming for perspective and emotional detachment. I DESPERATELY want and need to do. It's survival. But it's like trying to finish a race wearing a wool sweater. The sweater being the old adoptee people-pleasing-can't-stand-disapproval-doormat-inner-me that resurfaces with certain TRIGGERS and suddenly, I'm sputtering and sinking fast and people are standing by the dock, scratching their heads saying, "Why's she wearing that to go swimming?"
He told me my NAD (narcissistic a-dad) was complaining - bitterly - that I never came to visit and instead visited my in-laws.
Untrue. Hard to know if he's lying. Again. For pity. Or maybe it's the dementia and he can't remember. Even in the old days, NAD used to lie lie lie about all sorts of things, mostly to get what he wanted or to make others look bad and position himself as a victim.
He...the withholder of information about my adoption particulars. He...the person who told me I was Jewish (wrong) and who was so ashamed of my status as an adoptee he lied about it to everybody and made me lie, too.
Why do I care?
What happened to my hard-achieved emotional detachment?
Really, it was probably more about NAD'S misery at being stuck in an assisted living facility and getting old in such an awful way than it was about ME. Aiming for perspective and emotional detachment. I DESPERATELY want and need to do. It's survival. But it's like trying to finish a race wearing a wool sweater. The sweater being the old adoptee people-pleasing-can't-stand-disapproval-doormat-inner-me that resurfaces with certain TRIGGERS and suddenly, I'm sputtering and sinking fast and people are standing by the dock, scratching their heads saying, "Why's she wearing that to go swimming?"
posted by Nina at
5:26 PM
5 Comments:
Oh Nina, I think this is what Julie is talking about when she talks about truamatic attachment.
*although I don't know really*
I am sorry.
I always feel like I have failed when I can't heal people.
joy
Joy, Haven't heard that term, but am now intrigued. Will see if I can find. Thanks for the tip. How awful. Traumatic attachment. Makes sense, but uh.
Nina...you have a very learned response to your NAD and it takes awhile to unlearn that as well as replace that response with a consistently healthy one. Some would say totally detattach from him to save yourself. Others might say strike a balance. Bottom line though is you have to live with yourself and that means doing what you need to do...and not be swayed by what others think you should do.
It is easy for me to say to you, you should do this or that but in the end (and I doubt your feelings over NAD will be over after he dies), it really is all about you.
Knowing and feeling are oh so different when it comes to behaviors. (hugs)
It IS learned. The hard way. Unlearning is even harder. Once again, I so appreciate your continued support and wonderful insights!
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