The Churning

Once again, the topic is my narcissistic adoptive father.

(One of these days, I'm going to get back to the subject of my first mother, post reunion. By the way, I'm liking the term "first mom" more and more because I ended up with a second mother picked out by a social worker who spent all of twenty minutes with my a-parents, more concerned about proper ventilation of the house rather than the psychological health of its occupants.)

Specifically, my reaction to my a-father.

Try as I might to set boundaries, they are hard to enforce. Mostly because I feel GUILTY. Then I seethe with resentment. Finally recognizing the pattern, I set out to change it. A simple phone call with him makes me feel invisible and bad in ways too numerous to list. I decide I can't talk to him every day, even if we do keep our chats short. All day I dread the phone call, then afterward feel upset and churned up despite my best efforts to emotionally detach.

My husband and therapist (two separate people) strongly suggested to talk to my a-father every other day or several times a week to give myself time to recharge. (He's 80, has frontal lobe dementia which doesn't really impact his memory and my husband says he not much stranger or self-centered than before he became demented).

So I try it. I manage a (wonderful!) one day break and then, sure enough, he thinks he's having a heart attack and the phone starts ringing. I let the assisted living facility handle it, as the head nurse suggested. He's had these anxiety/fake medical emergencies for as long as I remember...mostly for attention or because things haven't gone his way. The next day, he catches me offguard by calling in the morning. He says, "I just wanted to hear your voice. I'm so lonely. I miss you soooo much. I love you soooo much."

"I just talked to you last night," I say lightly.

"But I love you and I just wanted to hear your voice."

My stomach turns. I feel nauseauted. Claustrophobic. The whole thing smacks of manipulation, mostly because he's never been expressive in that way. There's also something wrong about it. He's using a lover's voice. Or something. I can't get off the phone fast enough. And then the GUILT sets in. He's all alone in the world. I'm his only child. He doesn't know a single other person. Then I think, wait. I didn't ask to be an only child. He's alienated every person he's ever met, including family members. He refuses to take part in any of the assisted living facility (which is very nice; private room w/a garden view) activities because he can't be the center of attention, which makes him furious.

See? Off to the races. The debate plays in my head, an endless loop.

I don't want to deal with him, but it's my (legal) duty and responsibility to do so.

The question? Is that reaction within the realm of dealing w/a narcissistic parent? My therapist has suggested it may indicate something more...that the body sometimes remembers when the mind can't. Or won't. Of course, she's talking about sexual abuse. I can't remember any such thing. But I'm wondering about that nauseated, claustrophic feeling I get when he becomes clingy. Have I mentioned that I hate him to kiss my cheek or hold my hand? I've attributed this to the fact that I don't like him or feel comfortable around him.

Open to any ideas.