What the HELL? Or, Wake Me Up, Puleeze!
If you take the time to read my blog and make a comment, THANK YOU! I love, read and think about every one. Currently experiencing Adoption Issues Overload (a well known phenomenon, right?) and I'm going to take some time off and check back again next week.
Had a really bad dream last night. This is my attempt to shake it off.
The nightmare? That I was adopted. I mean, that I was stuck in the past when my adoptive mother was still alive and pretending that I was her biological child and I was going along with it. Woke up hyperventilating. It reminded me of that feeling I used to get: confused, claustrophobic.
For adoptees of the (botched) social experiment that was the Closed Era, it's a wonder we didn't go stark, raving mad.
A partial list of what some of us experienced:
1. Mother hands over baby to strangers, trusting they know what they are doing;
2. Baby is placed in foster care for approximately one month; the identity of this temporary caregiver (or multiple caregivers) the adoptee will never know; this period of time - the first 30 days of life - is simply...lost.
3. Baby is handed over to a second (or third or fourth?) set of complete strangers who celebrate the arrival of the child, who is traumatized, shocked and grieving;
4. Child is told of its adoption at four or five or six years of age and sometimes, the unpleasant task of "telling" done, this is the only time the issue is discussed.
In my case:
5. Everyone pretends the child is not adopted, is part of the biological family, and that it is not a subject worthy of further discussion
6. Adoptive parents LIE, in front of the child, that the child is theirs and makes up stories about who she looks like; the stories change, sometimes she looks like her dead grandmother, sometimes like her dead grandfather;
7. When child gets up enough nerve to ask about her background, adoptive mother has hysterical temper tantrum and the child is told that she is bad and ungrateful for asking about "that woman" and is reminded who her "real" mother is.
8. Adoptive father, when secretly pressed, tells teenager that she is a German Jew; she believes this for two decades until she discovers he understood wrong because "it wasn't that important to begin with";
9. When the adoptee grows up and has a daughter of her own, her adoptive parents stake their claim: the grandchild is said to look exactly like her adoptive grandmother
10. Having been denied any real information about her biological family, having been made to feel guilty for even thinking about her first mother, the reality of her mother is hard to grasp, even months after finding her.
11. Adoptee's first mother either can't or won't tell her who her father is.
You can see by this simple and incomplete list that such a person - forced to live with such restrictions - is condemned to live a half-life. A pretend life. You have to numb yourself to survive. It is CRAZY-MAKING. It is like being stuck in an alternate universe where everything is off and you are slowly going mad while everyone around you goes about their business, untroubled.
And then you wake up.
Like it's a bad dream.
And then you discover, after decades of isolation, that there are other victims of this social experiment and you begin taking stock, reflecting on the past, trying to figure out just what the hell happened?
Had a really bad dream last night. This is my attempt to shake it off.
The nightmare? That I was adopted. I mean, that I was stuck in the past when my adoptive mother was still alive and pretending that I was her biological child and I was going along with it. Woke up hyperventilating. It reminded me of that feeling I used to get: confused, claustrophobic.
For adoptees of the (botched) social experiment that was the Closed Era, it's a wonder we didn't go stark, raving mad.
A partial list of what some of us experienced:
1. Mother hands over baby to strangers, trusting they know what they are doing;
2. Baby is placed in foster care for approximately one month; the identity of this temporary caregiver (or multiple caregivers) the adoptee will never know; this period of time - the first 30 days of life - is simply...lost.
3. Baby is handed over to a second (or third or fourth?) set of complete strangers who celebrate the arrival of the child, who is traumatized, shocked and grieving;
4. Child is told of its adoption at four or five or six years of age and sometimes, the unpleasant task of "telling" done, this is the only time the issue is discussed.
In my case:
5. Everyone pretends the child is not adopted, is part of the biological family, and that it is not a subject worthy of further discussion
6. Adoptive parents LIE, in front of the child, that the child is theirs and makes up stories about who she looks like; the stories change, sometimes she looks like her dead grandmother, sometimes like her dead grandfather;
7. When child gets up enough nerve to ask about her background, adoptive mother has hysterical temper tantrum and the child is told that she is bad and ungrateful for asking about "that woman" and is reminded who her "real" mother is.
8. Adoptive father, when secretly pressed, tells teenager that she is a German Jew; she believes this for two decades until she discovers he understood wrong because "it wasn't that important to begin with";
9. When the adoptee grows up and has a daughter of her own, her adoptive parents stake their claim: the grandchild is said to look exactly like her adoptive grandmother
10. Having been denied any real information about her biological family, having been made to feel guilty for even thinking about her first mother, the reality of her mother is hard to grasp, even months after finding her.
11. Adoptee's first mother either can't or won't tell her who her father is.
You can see by this simple and incomplete list that such a person - forced to live with such restrictions - is condemned to live a half-life. A pretend life. You have to numb yourself to survive. It is CRAZY-MAKING. It is like being stuck in an alternate universe where everything is off and you are slowly going mad while everyone around you goes about their business, untroubled.
And then you wake up.
Like it's a bad dream.
And then you discover, after decades of isolation, that there are other victims of this social experiment and you begin taking stock, reflecting on the past, trying to figure out just what the hell happened?
Labels: Closed Era adoption;
posted by Nina at
8:25 AM
12 Comments:
yup pretty much.
It is exhausting
It IS exhausting, Joy. Like you've been on a really scary roller coaster too long and when you finally stumble off, it takes forever to recover your balance and then you're pissed off at whoever designed the stupid thing.
wow. every mother considering adoption should read this list. i wish i had when i was 18. all i got was the koolaid goo laced with and extra dose of lose your voice and remember you dont matter.
i did feel comforted that I do know who fostered my daughter. i just found them. should she ever want to know, i can introduce them, tell her about them, show her pictures they took of her when she was with them (she doesnt know I have this. I dont think she would want to know at this point. she doesnt "do" adoption talk)
Suz, My oldest daughter is 16 and we know some teenagers around 18 and, not to sound horribly condescending, 18 is so terribly young. At such a vulnerable age during such an overwhelming and frightening time such as an unplanned pregnancy, any information coming from someone older is, by nature, AUTHORITATIVE. I know you know that, but I've given this so much thought as I've struggled to understand my much older mother's determined choice...she was 37.
As an adoptee, I think it's wonderful of you to have found out who fostered your daughter and that this question had really troubled you, too. One day, hopefully, she will appreciate this bit of missing and important information. I have to believe that deep in her heart it must be comforting to know that her mother cares...whether she can express that yet or not.
this is exactly my reasons for wanting to be reunited with my daughter now when shes 7. people told me it would confuse her - that as a birth mother i have no place in her life.
but it seems to me, the only person i would be hurting are the adopters. i think if she could integrate the experience younger, she would fare better when she is older. shes going to come looking for me anyways. why prolong it? oh yes, to satisfy the ones who claim ownership of a human being, the ones who think adoption is just great.
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sorry I messed up my previous comment.
{{{{Nina}}}}
I understand. I hate adoption. I say that a lot, and I'll keep saying it.
Abortion is a kind, compassionate act compared to adoption.
What a nightmare! Whew Nina....it's a good thing you woke up and realized it was all a dream! That no rational and compassionate beings would put someone through that on purpose. Just a nightmare.
Oh, wait. Wrong planet. Sorry.
Can you tell I'm having a bad day? Or maybe I am just having a really long nightmare. Let's wake up now OK?
Yep, it IS a nightmare - that's for sure. A nightmare that's all in the best interest of the child.
I think I experienced 9 of your 11 entries.
I thought my brain was going to explode when my aparents pulled out pictures of their biological granddaughters to compare to my son. I guess they planned to just pass all the adoption BS on to him too.
Hey Nina...I doubt you will read this for awhile since it sounds like you need some time to regroup. Although not an adoptee myself, I can certainly relate to wanting to know one's roots. In my family, I seem to be the only one who really has taken any interest in my family's geneology - which for adoptees has been denied or faked.
Some people say it doesn't matter as long as your can attach or bond with at least one person while you are growing up. To a certain extent, I can buy that but I think it makes all the difference that whoever that person is - is honest, upfront, open and respectful about your biological heritage. Yeah, it might not be pretty but it is what it is and you are a part of it.
From your list Nina, the common denominators that seems to drive the crazinest (is that even a word?), are the secrecy and the lies. I realize adoption falls far short of the ideal, but if those two aspects of adoption could be eliminated, adoption would be less unhealthy.
I hope your nightmares subside and that we see you soon (hugs).
Okay...I'm back..sorta.
Read EVERY comment and would like to reply individually, but today is busy and I'm trying to stay on track given my addictive behavior toward blogging.
Leroy, yeah...if certain aspects of adoption could be eliminated and it could be done openly and honestly and with empathy and without disconnecting a child from her biological past...then it would be a big improvement...definitely..in the cases where there is no other choice.
I'm sorry but this comment is going to end up being about me... but I mean it as a way of showing you how much IMPACT you are having by sharing your truth.
Reading your posts today (it's been a marathon in case you haven't noticed by all my comments), is an unbelievably valuable step in my own adoption healing. My oh, so familiar adoptee trait of not acknowledging my own grief and pain, while simultaneously WEEPING over the wrong-doings done to others... is a constant sticking point as I try to move forward through my adoption demons. Reading your story, and feeling GRIEF at your story, a story that is so FRIGHTENIINGLY similar to my own, allows me to sort of absorb some of my OWN grief. To actually feel it, to own it, and to not feel guilty for it. This... this... is HUGE, and if it weren't for adoptees like you, taking the risk, putting yourself out there, I don't even KNOW if I'd be able to emotionally, physically grasp the enormity of what was done to me. Oh, I 'know' it in my head... but my feelings... my heart and soul... I'm far too fragmented, disassociated to get a hold on it.
Don't know if this makes sense... but thank you.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home