Holding on to the Mythical Father

Coming to accept there isn't a realistic chance I'll find out the last name of my father.

My mother says she can't remember.

It's in my file held in Los Angeles County. My mother said she'd write a letter asking for a copy but my Post Adoption Services social worker said, "No." It's sealed. Even with my mother's permission to release the information she provided, it's the county's obligation to protect his privacy.

It's the law, I was told.

Some days, I really want to know.

Others, like today, I'm not so sure.

He's my last mythical figure. Can my psyche afford to have him become real? If I don't find him, he can remain what I have made him and want him to be: real, bonified, parent material. Not that I want him to parent me. But just act like a grown-up. Someone who is NOT child-like and needs attention.

My adoptive father is child-like. He talks nonstop nonsense, jumps from subject to subject without transition, is nearly incapable of abstract thought, delights in other people's misfortunes . He is well, not like a man. He was never like the other dads. Even though the other dads were undereducated and had factory jobs, too, they acted different: like men. Occasionally, I've wondered if he has extremely low IQ or is a bit mentally disabled (are the two the same?)

What if I meet my biological father and he's a goofball, too?

I lost the myth of my mother when I got to know her. She had a rough childhood, too, and is a lot like my adoptive father, although not that bad. (Nobody is ever that bad).

Coming off a life of dealing with two self-centered adoptive parents, discovering one more self-centered parent is a rude awakening. What if I found FOUR? Would that send me right over the edge?

Is hanging onto a myth of my own creation better than the risk of discovering another narcissist? And so what if he is? I've learned to (try to) emotionally detach as a coping strategy, I could just apply it to him, too. But at least I'd know. And what if he a) knew about me and wondered about me all these years; b) sobered up c) acted like a real man and not a child...aren't I depriving myself of claiming ONE grown-up for a parent...even if we don't have a father-daughter relationship?

Giving myself a headache! And for what? I still don't have his last name. But I'd LIKE it so I could make the decision MYSELF instead of having the County of Los Angeles make it for me.