Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Holding on to the Mythical Father

Coming to accept there isn't a realistic chance I'll find out the last name of my father.

My mother says she can't remember.

It's in my file held in Los Angeles County. My mother said she'd write a letter asking for a copy but my Post Adoption Services social worker said, "No." It's sealed. Even with my mother's permission to release the information she provided, it's the county's obligation to protect his privacy.

It's the law, I was told.

Some days, I really want to know.

Others, like today, I'm not so sure.

He's my last mythical figure. Can my psyche afford to have him become real? If I don't find him, he can remain what I have made him and want him to be: real, bonified, parent material. Not that I want him to parent me. But just act like a grown-up. Someone who is NOT child-like and needs attention.

My adoptive father is child-like. He talks nonstop nonsense, jumps from subject to subject without transition, is nearly incapable of abstract thought, delights in other people's misfortunes . He is well, not like a man. He was never like the other dads. Even though the other dads were undereducated and had factory jobs, too, they acted different: like men. Occasionally, I've wondered if he has extremely low IQ or is a bit mentally disabled (are the two the same?)

What if I meet my biological father and he's a goofball, too?

I lost the myth of my mother when I got to know her. She had a rough childhood, too, and is a lot like my adoptive father, although not that bad. (Nobody is ever that bad).

Coming off a life of dealing with two self-centered adoptive parents, discovering one more self-centered parent is a rude awakening. What if I found FOUR? Would that send me right over the edge?

Is hanging onto a myth of my own creation better than the risk of discovering another narcissist? And so what if he is? I've learned to (try to) emotionally detach as a coping strategy, I could just apply it to him, too. But at least I'd know. And what if he a) knew about me and wondered about me all these years; b) sobered up c) acted like a real man and not a child...aren't I depriving myself of claiming ONE grown-up for a parent...even if we don't have a father-daughter relationship?

Giving myself a headache! And for what? I still don't have his last name. But I'd LIKE it so I could make the decision MYSELF instead of having the County of Los Angeles make it for me.

Labels:

41 Comments:

Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

I would think there is some way to get his name. It has to be in the Court records, if not on the original birth certificate. There must be some way to petition the court to have it released, especially if your mom is consenting. I just find it hard to believe that his name is kept from you and for what purpose??? I agree that it should be your choice not Los Angeles County. I know if there is a way, you will find it :)

And from what I know of you, it is better for you to know with certainity than just based on whatever your mom tells you.

2:55 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Nina, I'm sorry that the last piece of your puzzle is being kept from you. Can't they open the file, look at his name, contact him and ask him if he wants contact with you? I'm probably oversimplifying it since I don't know all the rules. Hugs, Rebecca

9:03 AM  
Anonymous mia said...

I'm in the same boat. As a matter of fact I am doing something this week that will rule out or prove one possibility and I am scared to death.
It's all so exhausting. And like you say, at the end of the day what will I be left with? I guess I will hopefully be left with the truth and that may have to be enough. It's a lot. We deserve the truth. At the very least we deserve the truth.

Post adoption services social worker....what a joke. I guess YOUR best interests got left in the dust a long time ago huh? The next time she says your father needs protected you should ask her "Why, was he adopted too?"

11:28 AM  
Anonymous bijou said...

Nina,
I completely understand where you are coming from- not wanting to spoil the fantasy that you have at least one undisturbed member of your immediate family. You are however strong enough to handle the truth, and DESERVE at least that. (My mother is the only one who knows who my father was, she holds that secret.) IF there is a narcissist at the end of the search, you are your own unique person, and have the choice to not deal with any more dysfunction.
Bijou

12:22 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

Leroy, Maybe I'm waiting for The Burst of Energy. When one of those hits, I can do anything, including kicking bureaucratic butt. Still feeling a bit wobbly after reunion w/mother although no longer depressed...sorta fragmented and weird. And I think you're right. It's probably better to KNOW. Thank you!

Hugs back, Rebecca! That's what I think, too, but they refuse to take any action except the standard: issuing non-identifying info. and saying "No."

Mia, Oooh. I wish you the BEST of luck taking this really scary step. I'll check and keep checking your blog to see if you write about it. Cliche Time!!! The Truth Will Set You Free. Hah. How about, The Truth Will Really Upset Me! or...The Truth Will Piss Me Off! or...The Truth is Ugly. NAH! We're hoping for much better than THAT. And we DESERVE not only the truth, but someone nice for a father. Go Mia!

3:54 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

BIJOU, I'm sorry your mother is holding your father's identification hostage. I can't remember if she's doing so intentionally or if she's giving you some excuse that you can't accept. Either way, it's frustrating and disheartening to hear about yet another adoptee having to deal with this phenomena. And thank you for the reminder that I am a unique person. One of the issues I'm still working on is that with certain people in my life, I tend to get emeshed and I have to work extra hard to separate and find myself. Here's to keeping the fantasy of at least one undisturbed member of our immediate family...at least until we find the strength to deal with another nut, huh?

5:22 PM  
Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

Nina...when the people who are to care for you, connect with you, include you in their lives are dysfunctional in their own relationships, how can you ever feel that your own needs are met. Kid's needs are best met by adults whose needs are already met.

Your aparents, as well as your mom, never had healthy emotional boundaries it seems...and that left you struggling with how to form them. You want so much to be included, to feel belonged in a meaningful relationship that you would sacrifice yourself to have it. I think that was where the people pleasing part came in...do nothing to risk the relationship. That is where the "walking on eggshell" feeling came from in probably many of your relationships....can't risk being excluded.

That was then and you have come miles since. You deserve a *high five*!!! :)

4:12 AM  
Blogger Nina said...

Thank you, Leroy! When I look back at past romantic relationships, I can now understand what was going on how sadly invested I was in continuing them...even the really unhealthy ones. At 27 when I met my husband, I was still deep in a fog and it's really a wonder that I somehow found such a great guy w/wonderful qualities. Luck, probably. But when I think about it, he too has dysfunctional parents who he emotionally disconnected from when they joined a scary church in middle age(cultish)...so we have that in common. I suspect we parented each other, meaning that we were mutually supportive and nurturing. I've long done battle with his mother who calls her son, my husband, a workaholic, etc. because he works long hours and I constantly say...no...I used to work in that business, too, and if you want to keep your job that's the way it is. Besides, he's to be commended for his amazing work ethic when he's not at work he's at home being a father and husband and that he puts his family first. Sheesh. Sadly, HIS parents TALK family values but rarely make the effort to talk to their kids or visit b/c their church comes first.

High five back!!!

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1:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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1:15 AM  

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