That Was Then...

....this is now. And what an improvement!

One year ago, experienced a freak-out triggered by an insensitive, clueless relative of the in-law variety.

One year ago, I had no idea I had major abandonment issues.

One year ago, I had no idea Isuffered anxiety, low self-esteem, writer's block due to feelings of unworthiness, identity confusion and repressed grief and rage that my mother had given me away to strangers.

One year ago, I had no idea my adoptive parents weren't so nice. That, in fact, they were ignorant and cruel and needy.

One year ago, I hauled my quivering ass into a therapist's office and began the search for my mother.

Last year, I found blogs written by fellow adoptees Joy and Elizabeth and saw the possibility, that there was a different way to live as an adoptee: conscious and mindful. Elizabeth, at first, seemed so SCANDALOUS. She actually wrote, "I hate adoption." This simple declaration made me shiver and laugh. It got me thinking, Well, what do I feel about it?

One year ago, I took control of my life.

For the last month, I've worked on character analysis and plot outline in preparation for what I hope will one day be a published novel. This time, I'm allowing myself to enjoy the process. I am taking myself seriously. I have something to say. It's about, of course, adoption. It begins during the last gasp of the Closed Era. It's about loss and Latino culture and narcissism and the myth of matriarchy. Yesterday, I wrote 1000 words. I think I found my voice.

Last year's crisis was probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

Was rearranging all my adoption books and noticed something. The covers are ripped off or the faded titles are obscured with marker. Then I remembered. Whenever I bought one, I'd try to hide what it was just in case an adoptive family member saw it lying around. I didn't want to hurt their feelings. Or, more likely, I was afraid that they would be angry. A grown woman. Ripping the covers off her books. HOW PATHETIC! WHAT A SCARED LITTLE TOAD!

Bijou posted about finding her adoption story books that were read to her as a child and when I looked at the picture, I flipped out. They were mine, too. So now I'm anxiously awaiting them and when I get them, hopefully today, I'm not gonna rip off the cover because......everything is so wonderfully different and better and positive in more ways than I can even begin to list!