Thursday, April 19, 2007

That Was Then...

....this is now. And what an improvement!

One year ago, experienced a freak-out triggered by an insensitive, clueless relative of the in-law variety.

One year ago, I had no idea I had major abandonment issues.

One year ago, I had no idea Isuffered anxiety, low self-esteem, writer's block due to feelings of unworthiness, identity confusion and repressed grief and rage that my mother had given me away to strangers.

One year ago, I had no idea my adoptive parents weren't so nice. That, in fact, they were ignorant and cruel and needy.

One year ago, I hauled my quivering ass into a therapist's office and began the search for my mother.

Last year, I found blogs written by fellow adoptees Joy and Elizabeth and saw the possibility, that there was a different way to live as an adoptee: conscious and mindful. Elizabeth, at first, seemed so SCANDALOUS. She actually wrote, "I hate adoption." This simple declaration made me shiver and laugh. It got me thinking, Well, what do I feel about it?

One year ago, I took control of my life.

For the last month, I've worked on character analysis and plot outline in preparation for what I hope will one day be a published novel. This time, I'm allowing myself to enjoy the process. I am taking myself seriously. I have something to say. It's about, of course, adoption. It begins during the last gasp of the Closed Era. It's about loss and Latino culture and narcissism and the myth of matriarchy. Yesterday, I wrote 1000 words. I think I found my voice.

Last year's crisis was probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

Was rearranging all my adoption books and noticed something. The covers are ripped off or the faded titles are obscured with marker. Then I remembered. Whenever I bought one, I'd try to hide what it was just in case an adoptive family member saw it lying around. I didn't want to hurt their feelings. Or, more likely, I was afraid that they would be angry. A grown woman. Ripping the covers off her books. HOW PATHETIC! WHAT A SCARED LITTLE TOAD!

Bijou posted about finding her adoption story books that were read to her as a child and when I looked at the picture, I flipped out. They were mine, too. So now I'm anxiously awaiting them and when I get them, hopefully today, I'm not gonna rip off the cover because......everything is so wonderfully different and better and positive in more ways than I can even begin to list!

Labels:

21 Comments:

Blogger Erika said...

congrats on getting your words on paper!!! i know this is HUGE.

good luck with your writing.
im sure it's great.look at us adoption mythbusters go!

first moms, and adoptees writing books. right on!!!

11:02 AM  
Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

And I am so happy for you Nina! I did not know you a year ago but am glad that you shared with us and in that sharing got the opportunity to know you and the person you have become. Cudos over and over!!!

2:57 PM  
Anonymous mia said...

Standing....Clapping.....Cheering!!!!

5:45 PM  
Blogger elizabeth said...

I'm proud to know you Nina.

And moi scandalous? LOL Love it! Thanks for saying that, what a great compliment!

7:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love reading your blog, but sometimes it is hard. I'm not where you are yet. I went to an adoption talk last year and LIED to my mother about the topic. I'm frigging 40, for god's sake. And my mum is cool, open and completely welcoming to my first mother. I have sometimes wondered whether living in ignorance was so bad (ha ha) because the journey of self discovery, whilst enlightening, is bloody painful. But I suppose, after reading your thoughts, a life of truth is infintely better than a life with your head in the sand, living how other people think you should. Thanks for sharing. Gayle

7:30 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

Erika! Here's to the writing life. May we be creative, original, prolific. And sell something!

Leroy, Thanks again for your all your comments. It's really nice to have a social worker with some expertise weigh in and give a fresh perspective.

HUGS MIA! You are a BRIGHT LIGHT.


Ewizabwith iz a witto bithy notty but we wike her what way. (To be said like Elmer Fudd)

GAYLE: I think my blog is gloomier and darker than most b/c of my a-parent placement/experience. While I attribute much to that, I'm always surprised when I read other adoptee blogs, especially transracial or those who are younger, and learn that we share so many common issues. The journey is never ending and exhausting and some days (ask Mia) are really lousy and others are whew, much better. I can understand about lying to your mom about the adoption talk...I'm sure if you have a good relationship you really don't want to chance hurting her feelings and GUILT is a biggie, even when people aren't even trying to make us feel GUILTY because, maybe, you're a PEOPLE PLEASER like many of us and were always so darned worried about what others will think. If your adoption journey gets a little too rough and you get sick of the ride, don't forget to take a little detour also known as, "I'm not going to even THINK about adoption for the next ____ week(s)." Hang in there!!! And thank you for reading and sharing a bit about yourself.

8:12 PM  
Blogger Ungrateful Little Bastard said...

You're writing. Oh am I ever so excited that you are writing.

I would do the same thing you know; ripping off the covers of books. Hiding them. I know.

6:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous Bob said...

Bravo!!

12:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment is twice as nice as it is from two people!!!


NINA you are a FABULOUS writer.

You are very very readable and helpful, we think.

And intersting too,



We are so happy and inspired to read about your rapid speed healing and success.

muchos besos

Joy and Justice

1:06 PM  
Blogger Possum said...

Way to go Nina!!!
Biggest hugs,
Poss. xx

4:44 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Yay! I'm so glad you've found your voice. What a year it's been. Keep up the great work! Hugs, Rebecca

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