ROOTS
Okay, I'm back. Got totally carried away on another forum I'm totally in love with because, yes!, it's adoptee-centric and it's just what the doctor ordered.
Also, after decades of hypochondria, my narcissistic a-dad finally has something really wrong with him and that's been diverting and a challenge b/c I've had to drudge up some compassion. Which is hard. Because just when he needs me most, it's hard not to think of the one single time I ever asked him for anything as an adult ($50 to tide me over b/t jobs) and he not only let me down, he didn't even have the guts to tell me he hadn't sent the money after saying he would. And the time he left me in the hospital alone after minor surgery/biopsy when I was 10 because his nerves, "just couldn't take it."
So I'm cheating a bit. I'm posting something I put on a forum, but I'm short of time today and really wanted to update.
Was at Costco and spotted a paperback of Roots...strategically placed next to a stack of how-to-trace-your-roots-genealogy books. Heard on NPR recently about renewed interested in genealogy and some new online sites to help and the sound bites were all about the importance of knowing where you come from and why people are fascinated, etc.
And it really pissed me off. Society wants it both ways. Your ancestry really matters. Unless you're adopted. Then it's no big deal and you shouldn't be interested. It's maddening. And this is in our faces all the time. The hypocrisy. But no one else seems to see it.
My adoptive mother comes from a Mexican village called Chavez Ravine, where Dodger Stadium in L.A. now stands and for the longest time, I was FASCINATED by its sad story and all the old sepia pictures. Almost my entire adoptive family comes from that area. Then I woke up from my Fog and realized it has nothing to do with me. So I lost that, too. My first mom was really good about telling me as much as she could about my roots, but I feel so disconnected from that. It doesn't feel like mine, either. Maybe some day it will when I "incorporate" it.
Also, after decades of hypochondria, my narcissistic a-dad finally has something really wrong with him and that's been diverting and a challenge b/c I've had to drudge up some compassion. Which is hard. Because just when he needs me most, it's hard not to think of the one single time I ever asked him for anything as an adult ($50 to tide me over b/t jobs) and he not only let me down, he didn't even have the guts to tell me he hadn't sent the money after saying he would. And the time he left me in the hospital alone after minor surgery/biopsy when I was 10 because his nerves, "just couldn't take it."
So I'm cheating a bit. I'm posting something I put on a forum, but I'm short of time today and really wanted to update.
Was at Costco and spotted a paperback of Roots...strategically placed next to a stack of how-to-trace-your-roots-genealogy books. Heard on NPR recently about renewed interested in genealogy and some new online sites to help and the sound bites were all about the importance of knowing where you come from and why people are fascinated, etc.
And it really pissed me off. Society wants it both ways. Your ancestry really matters. Unless you're adopted. Then it's no big deal and you shouldn't be interested. It's maddening. And this is in our faces all the time. The hypocrisy. But no one else seems to see it.
My adoptive mother comes from a Mexican village called Chavez Ravine, where Dodger Stadium in L.A. now stands and for the longest time, I was FASCINATED by its sad story and all the old sepia pictures. Almost my entire adoptive family comes from that area. Then I woke up from my Fog and realized it has nothing to do with me. So I lost that, too. My first mom was really good about telling me as much as she could about my roots, but I feel so disconnected from that. It doesn't feel like mine, either. Maybe some day it will when I "incorporate" it.
posted by Nina at
11:13 AM
6 Comments:
I had a real "hammer hit me on the head" moment when I realised that the reason I had no interest in hearing about my a-mum's family history was because it wasn't MINE. And in usual adoptee-must-be-a-saint form, I chastised myself for that for some time. Now that I let myself have those thoughts and feelings freely, I feel much better, more honest with myself. Gayle
"And it really pissed me off. Society wants it both ways. Your ancestry really matters. Unless you're adopted."
BLEH!!! (I really wanted a throw up emoticon dang it)
I was fascinated by my amom's family stories growing up. Couldn't get enough. Stopped caring when I was about 8 or 10, because I KNEW they weren't my family.
Then I found my bmom, got her stories, and....
Nothing. I felt nothing. Neither family is really mine. I know how you feel. (((Nina)))
It does seem that people want it both ways, to have it be important unless your an adoptee, it makes no sense, but them aain alot of stuff in adoption doesnt.
MSP
Nina...another great observation that rings true in many areas I think. Many folks are walking contradictions. Some realize it. Many don't. Some care enough to change when they realize it, others don't. What might be even more important in your journey over the past year is not so much the connections to the past/present involving your 1st mom and your adad, but how the whole experience has lead to an increased connection within yourself and your immediate family (husband and children). In my opinion, I think in the final analysis those are the what keep you sane, valued and will be your legacy. And from my vantage point, I'd say you did very good Nina!
SORRY...I neglected my own blog for a while. Back on it.
I've really been in nowhere land.
Going for the record on unproductiveness.
BLAH. GOT THE BLAHS.
Nearly paralyzed.
Did read your comments and thank you. Having trouble coming up with a response worthy of the comments...yikes!
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