Monday, July 23, 2007

After Anger...the Calm

Message for the person who Googled "frontal lobe dementia assisted living facilities in Southern California:" look into Front Porch, a Lutheran non-profit. It has several locations operating under various names. Highly recommend. As you know, frontal lobe dementia progresses quite differently and wandering, etc. is less of an issue than repeated falls, loss of mobility, incontinence and challenging, unpleasant behaviors. Please feel free to email me at ninadlf@yahoo.com.

Just got back from a one week vacation feeling calm, relaxed and, most importantly, much less angry. This vacation was a bit of a test. Before I left, I did everything I could to make sure my narcissistic father would not ruin this vacation...as he did the last one. Sure, he left TEN highly emotional phone messages begging for a fix of narcissistic supply (me). I even listened to the messages before heading out for the beach. Which I quickly forgot about as he was in no real distress.

Progress!!!

It's taken more than a long year of dealing with my adoption related issues and the Deep Impact of being raised by a narcissistic adoptive father...after four decades of minimizing their consequences.

Working through these issues have meant some trade-offs. People-pleasing and anxiety attacks have been replaced by grief and anger. At least the last two are real, authentic emotions and not by-products of denial.

Which brings me to this comment...left by Julie (aka Celera):

"You don't have to dwell on anger or grief or pain -- you don't have to nurture it and hide in it and make your whole life about it. Some people make that mistake. You have to let it run through you so you can come out the other side eventually."

Very well put. I came back no longer angry. Maybe I've reached the acceptance phase. But I couldn't have got to this point without digging it all up, examining it and taking it seriously, and certainly not without blogging and the support and validation of fellow bloggers and a steady diet of Alice Miller.

An entire year of grief and anger is a long time. To be honest, I was getting tired of being all stirred up. It was getting exhausting. All consuming. No doubt I'll dip back into anger the next time I'm "triggered" by an adoptee related issue I haven't dealt with yet...or by some new manipulation of my narcissistic a-dad.

But for now...I'm going to enjoy the Calm. For however long it lasts. Besides, it's an incredibly beautiful summer day outside in Northern California and the dog needs walking.

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14 Comments:

Anonymous Stewie said...

I'm so glad you had a relaxing va-cay- I missed you and wondered where you went!
Enjoy the Calm.....enjoy it enjoy it...it doesn't always have to be an angst ridden journey. Thinking of you. xoxo

12:13 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

You are sooo sweet, Stewie...and proof that the online community is one of the few places where we can find comfort in each other's stories and feel, for once, that we are NOT crazy nor alone. And I liked what you said about it NOT having to be an angst ridden journey...maybe the scariest part of the ride is now behind me!!!

4:41 PM  
Blogger Celera said...

Hi Nina, Glad you had a good vacation. We all need a few tranquil spaces in our lives.

6:42 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

Celera, Indeed we do! And probably, we need to help create them as part of taking care of ourselves.

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