Monday, August 06, 2007

Narcissists: Big Fat Blamers

I'd like to write about one of the traits of a narcissist: not taking responsibility.

Besides the constant need for attention. Besides the lack of empathy. Besides the emotional manipulation and lying, blaming others for the problems they created is maddening to deal with, especially when YOU are the one being blamed.

The other day, my narcissistic adoptive father cursed out the lady across the hall in his assisted living facility because she's old and ugly and mean and doesn't like him.

He was scolded by the nurses.

When I asked him if he had cussed at his neighbor, he said yes, but she deserved it and then he acted hang-dog and said the nurses were all against him, were picking on him and he couldn't do anything right and that's the way it was his whole life...people picked on him for no good reason.

He may have dementia now, but he's played the blame game for as long as I can remember.

Everything is always somebody else's fault.

When HE opted for elective surgery against the surgeon's advice and things went badly, it was the surgeon's fault and then mine;

When HE says something insulting, it's their fault for being so sensitive because he was just telling the truth;

When HE refused to take my well-researched advice about preserving my grandmother's estate, the world was against him when he lost her house;

When HE talked non-stop and alienated the few friends he had, it was their fault for being awful people;

When my adoptive mother had Alzheimers and my children were toddlers and HE refused outside help, it was MY fault for not taking care of mother myself;

No matter what he says or does, he will NEVER apologize. The closest he will ever say is, "I can never do anything right," to gain sympathy.

There is never any direct connection between what he says and does or doesn't do and the events that follow.

And forget trying to point out the obvious. That they brought "it" on themselves. It's useless. You're just giving them a chance to play the coveted role of victim...the center of attention...again.

We experience much of our narcissistic parent's behavior before we even know what the term means and long before we can even pronounce it. So we spend much of our lives, captive.

And you know what REALLY bugs me?

When I asked the Post Adoption Services social worker with the public agency with which I was placed as an infant if they had screened my a-dad and why hadn't they picked up that there was something really off about him, she sort of hesitated and said...well, they couldn't deny him the pleasure of becoming a father, that almost everybody has a right to raise a child if they can afford to do so.

Oh really?

And what about the so-called best interests of the child?

So a-dad's right to parent trumped mine to having a father capable of parenting?

It seems so. And, I suspect, the same damned thing happens today.

Labels:

67 Comments:

Blogger Elise said...

Hey Nina,

Thanks for your comments on my blog today. I'll continue to post as many links as I can. Decent info on NPD can be tough to come across, so why not try to gather up as much of it as possible?

Have a good one

Elise

12:04 PM  
Blogger elizabeth said...

I hate narcissists.

Nina have you read "People of the Lie" yet? It was the only book I saved about NPD when I did my purge this summer.

I'm really sorry you have to deal with him. {{{Nina}}}

8:52 PM  
Blogger Gershom said...

UNFREAKING REAL!!

she sort of hesitated and said...well, they couldn't deny him the pleasure of becoming a father, that almost everybody has a right to raise a child if they can afford to do so.

If i didn't know how dirty the industry was...i wouldn't believe this, sadly i do. Grrrrr....

12:05 AM  
Blogger Nina said...

Elizabeth, Thank you for the reminder about that book. Especially want to read it now as I'm coming to the conclusion that many of my "issues" have as much to do with being raised by a narcissist as with adoption.

Gershom...You said it. Dirty is the word. I think she kinda slipped up when she said that b/c it really reveals that she thinks adoption is about people being ENTITLED to children...even if they aren't qualified.

3:51 PM  
Blogger Celera said...

Excellent post, Nina.

Off topic -- I do have a blog, I was sidetracked for a while because I got in over my head on the technology side of things but I think all that is ok now. My new blog is at

www.celerascabin.com

There is a link there to the old stuff at http://celera.eponym.com

Celera

(btw, my real name is Julie, but I see you have another Julie as a regular reader of your site -- a sure sign of popularity! :)

6:09 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

Cool, Celera...thanks for the link!

8:48 AM  
Blogger Erika said...

I just wanted to let you know I really appreciate you having the courage to write about these issues on your blog.

I have learned so much from reading you. and it helped me identify certain aspects of npd.

it all finally is starting to make sense.

7:36 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

Thank you, Erika!

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