tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post3490983159654236693..comments2023-11-05T04:19:22.205-08:00Comments on Adoptee Journal: The Art of NOT FeelingNinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12077857199651890460noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-91672825094867443192010-07-15T23:09:42.308-07:002010-07-15T23:09:42.308-07:00joyful tomato -
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Because in truth, I don't think she's truly <B>narcissistic</B>. There was once when I pointed out a time when she brought a difficulty of mine back to herself and she said that she had felt guilty about that ever since it happened. I don't think a narcissist would feel that way; I think a narcissist would again guilt the person saying that. That was my ex-husband.<BR/><BR/>Sooo . . . yeah. Self-absorbed. Thanks, that's a much better word. And yes, aging does bring out certain aspects of a personality more.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-18714118966568952712007-09-25T16:03:00.000-07:002007-09-25T16:03:00.000-07:00With respect to Leroy's comment, I am completely e...With respect to Leroy's comment, I am completely estranged from my afamily. This was my mother's decision as much as mine -- she put down terms that were unacceptable, and she knew they would be. She made this decision for my adad and sister, as well, and they accepted it. I tried to reconnect a few years ago and got more of the same. <BR/><BR/>I think Leroy's concern is a valid one, but maintaining contact wiht the NPD person is not always the best or only way to keep your humanity. You have to share that love and kindness with other people who are able to receive it.<BR/><BR/>Also, my mother is not someone I could have allowed to influence my children. Long after I stopped being afraid of her for myself, I knew that they didn't need someone like her to be a factor in their lives.Celerahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00544121691434113671noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-5942012960816075922007-09-24T12:20:00.000-07:002007-09-24T12:20:00.000-07:00Elise, With some people (like your mother), no rea...Elise, With some people (like your mother), no real choice exist. They are so obliterating, so disregarding, that it's annihilation (sp?) of the self OR compliance because putting up boundaries simply doesn't work. Your mother sounds on the extreme end of the scale as far as narcissists go. Did I mention my new therapist, who specializes in n. parents, said most of his "healthy" clients - by necessity - cut ties? I found that comforting. Getting an elderly parent to accept the necessity of moving into assisted living is tough enough when they really need it, but when they are narcissistic...it becomes a NIGHTMARE. Hopefully, your mother will be forced by circumstances to working with the geriatric care manager which, btw, is an excellent decision. Even though you're not engaging w/your mother out of self-protection, it sounds like there's stuff you are still doing to monitor the situation from afar...kudos!Ninahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12077857199651890460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-30878080832838628152007-09-24T12:07:00.000-07:002007-09-24T12:07:00.000-07:00Nice to hear from you, Judy! My first mom sounds ...Nice to hear from you, Judy! <BR/><BR/>My first mom sounds a bit like your mom, although I'd call her self-absorbed...not narcissistic. Relatives say she's always been a talker, but has got much worse w/age and is prone to interrupting. We tend to blame lots of things on aging and, no doubt, it does cause changes. BUT, my adoptive aunt was close to 80 when she died and up to the end, she was loving and gracious and caring and she just made you feel so special b/c she'd really listen and look into your eyes. She was that way when she was young and that way the day she died. It's good that your husband noticed about you disappearing when you're around your family. It's validating. And shows that he's caring and observant.Ninahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12077857199651890460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-91186939675555035142007-09-23T19:44:00.000-07:002007-09-23T19:44:00.000-07:00Hi Nina,Nice to read another post.When I had conta...Hi Nina,<BR/><BR/>Nice to read another post.<BR/><BR/>When I had contact with my mother, I made no dent in her consciousness. Her life is in tatters, yet still she'll accept no help, no suggestions, no constructive brainstorming about how to make things better --- from me or either of my intelligent, capable, energetic brothers (both attorneys).<BR/><BR/>She wants to hold the reins so tightly that it's all that matters --- holding the reins. doesn't seem to register that she's in a ditch and has been for years now. <BR/><BR/>I'm tired of being invisible, of not being respected (hell, I'd settle for "heard"), of having my offers of real help ignored. All she wants is help maintaining her unsustainable, house-of-cards lifestyle...the one that doesn't acknowledge that she's old, she needs assisted living, she needs help. I've told her that if she works consistently with a geriatric care manager, I'd be open to coming back into her life. So far, no dice...<BR/><BR/>I can't do it any more. I don't know about whether it's the best or healthiest response, but it certainly FEELS healthier than having contact with her, being her door mat, and tacitly saying "it's OK". <BR/><BR/>It is NOT OK. Never was. But certainly even less so now. You're on your own, mom. Enjoy the ditch...at least you've still got the reins.bonsaihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05710936495001427190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-39385472639796823092007-09-23T11:48:00.000-07:002007-09-23T11:48:00.000-07:00Still reading, Nina; just haven't commented in a l...Still reading, Nina; just haven't commented in a long time. I always get so much from your posts.<BR/><BR/>This last post was like a lightbulb for me. There must be, as in all things, degrees of narcissism. The interrupting and cutting off sounds like my mom, but much more so in recent years as she's gotten older and since my dad died nearly 20 years ago. And to some extent one of my sisters. Degrees here, not nearly the extent of your father, though.<BR/><BR/>No wonder my husband has always said that when I'm with my family I tend to "disappear." <BR/><BR/>Anyways -- yes, very frustrating not being able to finish a sentence or having everything be about them. Glad you're able to distance yourself from his illness these days.<BR/><BR/>~ Judy/JustEnjoyHimAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-14088412579478079092007-09-22T12:32:00.000-07:002007-09-22T12:32:00.000-07:00Nina...agreed. I think each situation needs to be ...Nina...agreed. I think each situation needs to be evaluated by the person being taken advantage of to determine if it is healthier to just "let it go" rather than trying to salvage something that never was there to begin with or worse, to continually be drained dry. Thanks for the perspective!Doughnuthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00100398955132921465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-52537939141530152072007-09-22T11:22:00.000-07:002007-09-22T11:22:00.000-07:00Leroy, Mmmm. I suspect it depends on the type of ...Leroy, Mmmm. I suspect it depends on the type of narcissistic parent one has. For example, my a-dad. He is not barnyard dog mean. He is inconsistent. When he gets his way he acts jovial and happy enough. It makes dealing with him unpleasant, but "doable"...but dealing w/him is a moral obligation. My a-cousin is also a narcissist and she is VICIOUS and abusive. Her daughter has had no choice to cut off the relationship b/c her mother and she is better off for doing so. There may well be an element of retribution for the bad treatment we got as kids when we throw up boundaries as adults. Children of narcissists lost something already...and lose more all the time. It's a no win situation. We either continue to "take it" or lose bits and pieces of flesh.Ninahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12077857199651890460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-28799343237956396142007-09-21T22:51:00.000-07:002007-09-21T22:51:00.000-07:00How to be human without being inhuman...a tough th...How to be human without being inhuman...a tough thing to do. I have thought about this before Nina when reading your posts. It just strikes me that to compensate for a narcisstic parent who has no boundaries, people want to throw up an "iron curtain". It seems as if it is over compensating to balance out the trauma suffered since childhood. I have wondered whether going from one extreme to the other causes a person to lose something important. I am not judging just making an observation. I see no one has totally disconnected from their narcisstic parent/aparent but I wonder if doing so totally is really that healthy. If it came down to self-survival one could/should do it? OR should it really have to get to that to cut it off? I have more questions than answers but I do agree totally in establishing/maintaining healthy boundaries like you have. <BR/><BR/>Hope you have a great weekend! As always, great post for thought.Doughnuthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00100398955132921465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-764531411982710482007-09-21T13:58:00.000-07:002007-09-21T13:58:00.000-07:00So true Nina, so true. Can you imagine the police ...So true Nina, so true. <BR/><BR/>Can you imagine the police showing up on our door and us saying "sorry officer but we just talked TWO days ago!" LOLAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-3403846699457112552007-09-21T08:35:00.000-07:002007-09-21T08:35:00.000-07:00Erika, It's interesting to find out how others cop...Erika, <BR/><BR/>It's interesting to find out how others coped with being both desperated needed - for the wrong reasons - and discarded at the same time. Thank you for that. It's oddly comforting to hear from others who know what it's like b/c explaining it is crazymaking in itself because, often, narcissists are so cunning they can pass as normal!<BR/><BR/>MIA! Yippee! Good for you. Ya know, my husband goes a MONTH without calling his parents (not so nice either btw), but when they do talk, it's no big deal...no guilt. My girlfriend, who IS close to her 83 year old mom talks to her, maybe, once a week. And our parents wanna call the police after one day. Talk about a TETHER. And there you are, a busy wife and mother with TONS to do. But I getcha! I missed calling my dad ONE night and the next day he left a bunch of messages freaking out that I'd been killed in a car accident. That's not love. That's MANIPULATION all dressed up as concern. Stick to it, Mia!Ninahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12077857199651890460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-83938727768761990442007-09-21T05:53:00.000-07:002007-09-21T05:53:00.000-07:00I am putting up the fence too. My mother called ye...I am putting up the fence too. My mother called yesterday and said she was getting ready to call the police because she hadn't heard from me in three days. She is NOT happy with the fence. Ugh.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-18757346505982093862007-09-20T22:24:00.000-07:002007-09-20T22:24:00.000-07:00when i was a child when i closed my eyes i actuall...when i was a child when i closed my eyes i actually felt numb like i wasnt there. i felt completely invisible.it got so bad that i was afraid to go to sleep cause i thought that i wouldnt exist.<BR/>ive spent a lifetime numbing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com