Monday, November 12, 2007

Guilt...and More Guilt

Here's one of the challenges of dealing with a narcissistic parent.

Even after you've read every book on the subject.

Even after setting up boundaries big enough to contain T-Rex himself.

Even after putting yourself and your loved ones first for a change.

Even after lots of therapy and remembering just how many times you got the short and sharp end of the stick.

Even after making progress at taking control of your life.

(Even after futilely complaining to your Post Adoption Social Worker about getting placed with two narcissists four decades after the fact, har)

They still manage to lob one over the perimeter.

And whammo, the sirens are blaring and you find yourself defenseless and suddenly feeling...GUILTY...again!!!

I called my (badly) aging narcissistic father after taking a day off. I asked after his health. He said he was not doing so good. In fact, his stomach was hurting. He'd skipped dinner. He was feeling depressed and lonely because he missed me and the grandkids and nobody ever visited him. Then he said he needed to go because he just wanted to go back to sleep.

So I mope around feeling like crap and the world's worst daughter and then I tell my husband what happened and he looks at me like I'm, well, an idiot.

"He's...manipulating...you," my husband said slowly and clearly, like I was slow (which I am). "He's trying to make you feel guilty. Remember? He always does this."

And that's the thing.

The response is sooo ingrained that every time it does happen, it feels like it's the first time and not the thousandth.

Damn.

Labels:

15 Comments:

Blogger Eve said...

Since I'm new to your blog and we don't really have a blogland relationship (yet), I hope you won't think me too forward by pointing out that you called your dad after your day off. If you just think about that for just a teensy little moment... day off (reward, relaxation, fun, etc.), followed by SHARP STICK IN THE EYE.

The reason you never really get over it is that we are carrying around, feeding, and raising our own inner narcissist until we really, actually do something about that. I am not sure exactly how it works for you (nor can I be), but you might look to see if you try to cancel out your well-deserved pleasures with a SHARP STICK IN THE EYE.

Sure, your dad will do the same thing every time... but do you need to? No, you are the only one who wants to change and is willing to change.

I only say this because I have (a) done it myself so many times with whatever irregular person is in my life, being the pinch hitter for the SHARP STICK IN THE EYE person from ancient history, and (b) because I have had so many clients and other wounded loved ones who have done it, and (c) I read lots of books and they say lots of stuff like this.

Besides all that, I tagged you for a silly meme for which you get to tell some weird or random facts about yourself. You can read mine, I'll read yours, and soon we will know one another better. :o)

10:37 AM  
Blogger Nina said...

Eve,

?The reason you never really get over it is that we are carrying around, feeding, and raising our own inner narcissist until we really, actually do something about that. I am not sure exactly how it works for you (nor can I be), but you might look to see if you try to cancel out your well-deserved pleasures with a SHARP STICK IN THE EYE."

I hate narcissism so much that just the idea of HAVING an inner narcissist is upsetting in the extreme. I think what you're saying is that I may be sabotaging my pleasure/peace/quiet/etc. because I believe I am unworthy. If that's what you meant, I get it and continue to work on it. But if I were to chart my progress on graph paper, it would be a ziggy zaggy path...with some reversals thrown in there. HOW exactly to do this, I find, is always a bit vague. My therapists have been vague, the best books are vague. So if you have any ideas on your blog you can direct me to, I'd LURV it!!!

7:27 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

Eve, Damn I slow. Just figured out the meme thing. Will do tomorrow!

7:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

pc on point -
pc tv 4 me -
perfect optimizer -
php link cloaker -
pick the gender of your baby -
profit lance -
public records pro -
quit smoking today -
recipe secrets -
reg clean -
regi cleanse -
registry easy -
registry winner -
reg sweep -
reverse mobile -
reverse phone detective -
richard mackenzie direct -
rocket piano -
rocket spanish -
satellite tv to pc -
smtp 2 go -
spam bully -
spyware nuker -
the bad breath report -
thedietsolutionprogram -
the diet solution program -
the stop snoring exercise program -
the super mind evolution system -
trading stock indices -
truth about abs -
turbulencetraining -
turbulence training -
twitter annihilation -
twitter rockstar -

7:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

twitter traffic machine -
ultimate content creator -
ultimate font download -
ultimate wow guide -
video piggy -
vincedelmontefitness -
vince del monte fitness -
warp speed fat loss -
web investigator -
win clear -
win spy -
yeast infection no more -








3d covers -
500 scrapbooking sketches -
acid alkaline diet -
acne free in 3 days -
advanced pc tweaker -
apple patch diet -
art of approaching -
auction inspector -
av advance -
build a nice store -
burnthefat -
burn the fat -
carb rotation diet -
catch spouse cheating -

7:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

chikara reiki do -
combat the fat -
conversationalhypnosis -
conversational hypnosis -
copy that game -
cure gout now -
dl guard -
dog training online -
driver checker -
driver robot -
drop shipping wholesalers -
earth4energy -
earth 4 energy -
easy backup wizard -
eatstopeat -
eat stop eat -
error fix -
error killer -
error smart -
evidence eraser -
evidence nuker -
ex girlfriend guru -
fatburningfurnace -
fat burning furnace -
fatloss4idiots -
fat loss 4 idiots -
final uninstaller -
fitnessmodelprogram -
fitness model program -
fit yummy yummy -
flattenyourabs -
flatten your abs -
flat to fab -
forex grid bot -

7:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

get google ads free -
get paid to draw -
get this off my chest now -
governmentregistry -
government registry -
heartburn no more -
homemadeenergy -
home made energy -
honest riches -
learn photoshop now -
linden method -
malware removal bot -
marketing on the fringe -
maternityacupressure -
maternity acupressure -
meet your sweet -
musclegainingsecrets -
muscle gaining secrets -
my online income system -
negative calorie diet -
no adware -
one minute cure -
one week marketing -
online pickup secrets -
partenon -
pc on point -
perfect optimizer -
perfect uninstaller -
pick the gender of your baby -
power cash secret -
profit lance -
publicrecordspro -
public records pro -
push button marketer -

7:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

quit smoking today -
registry easy -
registry easy download -
registry fix -
registry winner download -
reverse mobile -
reverse phone detective -
richard mackenzie direct -
rocket spanish -
rss power plus -
sem business blueprint -
silent sales machine -
spam bully -
sports betting champ -
spyware cease -
spyware nuker -
spyware remover -
starting a day care center -
the bad breath report -
the cb code -
thedietsolutionprogram -
the diet solution program -
the super mind evolution system -
traffic travis -
truth about abs -
turbulencetraining -
turbulence training -
twitter affiliate cash -
twitter decoded -
video piggy -
video web wizard -
vincedelmontefitness -
vince del monte fitness -

7:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

warp speed fat loss -
wedding speech 4u -
windo fix -
your bill killer -
you will get paid -
zygor guides -
20 day persuasion -
advanced pc tweaker -
adware bot -
affiliate naire -
apple patch diet -
article submitter -
art of approaching -
burnthefat -
burn the fat -
carb rotation diet -
cold sore freedom in 3 days -
conversationalhypnosis -
conversational hypnosis -
copy that game -
cure for bruxism -
cure hemorrhoids -
cyber link pro -
dl guard -
driver checker -
driver robot -
drop shipping wholesalers -
earth4energy -
earth 4 energy -
easy backup wizard -
easy click mate -
easy photo biz -
eatstopeat -
eat stop eat -

7:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

epinoisis -
error fix -
error killer -
error smart -
evidence nuker -
fap turbo -
fatburningfurnace -
fat burning furnace -
fatloss4idiots -
fat loss 4 idiots -
final uninstaller -
fitnessmodelprogram -
fitness model program -
fit yummy yummy -
flattenyourabs -
flatten your abs -
flat to fab -
governmentregistry -
government registry -
heartburn no more -
hippo jaw -
homemadeenergy -
home made energy -
honest riches -
hot video squeeze templates -
instant website creation -
jump manual -
keyword research pro -
linden method -
malware removal bot -
maternityacupressure -
maternity acupressure -
meet your sweet -
micro niche finder -

7:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

musclegainingsecrets -
muscle gaining secrets -
muscle gain truth -
my traffic strategy -
nasty dirty money -
negative calorie diet -
no adware -
pc optimizer pro -
perfect uninstaller -
pergola plans -
pick the gender of your bady -
plr ebook club -
pregnancy without pounds -
profit lance -
publicrecordspro -
public records pro -
questions for couples -
quit smoking today -
ready made review sites -
reg genie -
registry easy -
registry easy download -
registry winner -
registry winner download -
retrievea lover -
reverse mobile -
richard mackenzie direct -
rocket italian -
rocket spanish -
roulette sniper -
rss ground -
secret affiliate weapon -
secrets book -
spam bully -

7:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

spyware cease -
spyware nuker -
spyware remover -
spy zooka -
starting a day care center -
tattoo fever -
team idemise -
the bad breath report -
the cb code -
thedietsolutionprogram -
the diet solution program -
the rich jerk -
the super mind evolution system -
turbulencetraining -
turbulence training -
vincedelmontefitness -
vince del monte fitness -
warp speed fat loss -
wedding speech 4u -
windo fix -
wrap candy -
zygor guides -
7day ebook -
360 fix kit -
advanced pc tweaker -
adware bot -
affiliate naire -
art of approaching -
beating adwords -
believe and manifest -
blogging in action -
body building revealed -
burthefat -
burn the fat -

7:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

carb rotation diet -
cheat your way thin -
cold sore freedom in 3 days -
conversationalhypnosis -
conversational hypnosis -
convert 2 ev -
cure for bruxism -
cure hemorrhoids -
digi cam cash -
digital media solution -
dl guard -
driver checker -
earth4energy -
earth 4 energy -
easy backup wizard -
easy member pro -
easy tv soft -
eatstopeat -
eat stop eat -
error fix -
error killer -
evidence nuker -
fap turbo -
fatburningfurnace -
fat burning furnace -
fatloss4idiots -
fat loss 4 idiots -
final uninstaller -
fitnessmodelprogram -
fitness model program -
flatten your abs -
gamers testing ground -
gov auction -
governmentregistry -

7:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

government registry -
gov records -
herbal hair solution -
homebre ware -
home job group -
homemadeenergy -
home made energy -
inteli gator -
joanas world -
joyful tomato -
kidney stone remedy -
learn digital photography now -
learn elements now -
linden method -
lose man boobs -
malware removal bot -
maternityacupressure -
maternity acupressure -
meet your sweet -
muscle gaining secrets -
muscle gain truth -
niche adsense themes -
ninety day powerseller -
pc optimizer pro -
pregnancy miracle -
pregnancy without pounds -
privacy control -
publicrecordspro -
public records pro -
quit smoking today -
reg genie -
registry easy -
registry genius -
registry smart -

7:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HI NINA, THANKS FOR PRESENTING YOUR EXPERIENCES. I TOOK A TWO YEAR RESPITE FROM MY NARCISSIST FATHER WHILE MY DAUGHTER DROVE HIM WHERE HE NEEDED TO GO (HE'S VIRTUALLY BLIND) BUT THEN HE DEVELOPED DEMENTIA AND I TOOK HIM INTO MY HOME. I THOUGHT: HOW BAD CAN IT BE? I'M A NURSE AND HAVE TAKEN CARE OF MANY DEMENTIA PATIENTS. BUT ALAS, IT IS AWFUL. I DID NOT THINK DAD HAD ENOUGH COGNITIVE ABILITY LEFT TO BE A SUCCESSFUL NARCISSIST, BUT IT'S A GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING.

5:05 AM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home