Monday, November 12, 2007

Guilt...and More Guilt

Here's one of the challenges of dealing with a narcissistic parent.

Even after you've read every book on the subject.

Even after setting up boundaries big enough to contain T-Rex himself.

Even after putting yourself and your loved ones first for a change.

Even after lots of therapy and remembering just how many times you got the short and sharp end of the stick.

Even after making progress at taking control of your life.

(Even after futilely complaining to your Post Adoption Social Worker about getting placed with two narcissists four decades after the fact, har)

They still manage to lob one over the perimeter.

And whammo, the sirens are blaring and you find yourself defenseless and suddenly feeling...GUILTY...again!!!

I called my (badly) aging narcissistic father after taking a day off. I asked after his health. He said he was not doing so good. In fact, his stomach was hurting. He'd skipped dinner. He was feeling depressed and lonely because he missed me and the grandkids and nobody ever visited him. Then he said he needed to go because he just wanted to go back to sleep.

So I mope around feeling like crap and the world's worst daughter and then I tell my husband what happened and he looks at me like I'm, well, an idiot.

"He's...manipulating...you," my husband said slowly and clearly, like I was slow (which I am). "He's trying to make you feel guilty. Remember? He always does this."

And that's the thing.

The response is sooo ingrained that every time it does happen, it feels like it's the first time and not the thousandth.

Damn.

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10 Comments:

Blogger Eve said...

Since I'm new to your blog and we don't really have a blogland relationship (yet), I hope you won't think me too forward by pointing out that you called your dad after your day off. If you just think about that for just a teensy little moment... day off (reward, relaxation, fun, etc.), followed by SHARP STICK IN THE EYE.

The reason you never really get over it is that we are carrying around, feeding, and raising our own inner narcissist until we really, actually do something about that. I am not sure exactly how it works for you (nor can I be), but you might look to see if you try to cancel out your well-deserved pleasures with a SHARP STICK IN THE EYE.

Sure, your dad will do the same thing every time... but do you need to? No, you are the only one who wants to change and is willing to change.

I only say this because I have (a) done it myself so many times with whatever irregular person is in my life, being the pinch hitter for the SHARP STICK IN THE EYE person from ancient history, and (b) because I have had so many clients and other wounded loved ones who have done it, and (c) I read lots of books and they say lots of stuff like this.

Besides all that, I tagged you for a silly meme for which you get to tell some weird or random facts about yourself. You can read mine, I'll read yours, and soon we will know one another better. :o)

10:37 AM  
Blogger Nina said...

Eve,

?The reason you never really get over it is that we are carrying around, feeding, and raising our own inner narcissist until we really, actually do something about that. I am not sure exactly how it works for you (nor can I be), but you might look to see if you try to cancel out your well-deserved pleasures with a SHARP STICK IN THE EYE."

I hate narcissism so much that just the idea of HAVING an inner narcissist is upsetting in the extreme. I think what you're saying is that I may be sabotaging my pleasure/peace/quiet/etc. because I believe I am unworthy. If that's what you meant, I get it and continue to work on it. But if I were to chart my progress on graph paper, it would be a ziggy zaggy path...with some reversals thrown in there. HOW exactly to do this, I find, is always a bit vague. My therapists have been vague, the best books are vague. So if you have any ideas on your blog you can direct me to, I'd LURV it!!!

7:27 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

Eve, Damn I slow. Just figured out the meme thing. Will do tomorrow!

7:31 PM  
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

HI NINA, THANKS FOR PRESENTING YOUR EXPERIENCES. I TOOK A TWO YEAR RESPITE FROM MY NARCISSIST FATHER WHILE MY DAUGHTER DROVE HIM WHERE HE NEEDED TO GO (HE'S VIRTUALLY BLIND) BUT THEN HE DEVELOPED DEMENTIA AND I TOOK HIM INTO MY HOME. I THOUGHT: HOW BAD CAN IT BE? I'M A NURSE AND HAVE TAKEN CARE OF MANY DEMENTIA PATIENTS. BUT ALAS, IT IS AWFUL. I DID NOT THINK DAD HAD ENOUGH COGNITIVE ABILITY LEFT TO BE A SUCCESSFUL NARCISSIST, BUT IT'S A GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING.

5:05 AM  

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