Adoption, Adoption....Everywhere

It's beginning to happen so often, my husband joked today that I am an "adoption magnet."

No kidding.

We were in a local store and the owner was telling me about her grandson when her tale took an unexpected turn. Suddenly, she was talking about her daughter's infertility and miscarriage and how her daughter just happened to meet a distraught pregnant woman who'd just been dumped by prospective adoptive parents. So it was like this adoption was "meant to be," etc., etc.

And then, I was at a business dinner and sat down next to a man who told me he and his wife had privately adopted an in-family baby from another country. He and his wife were toying with the idea of NOT telling the child she was adopted. It was clear this man had never read one single book about adoption. Of course, I politely explained why that wouldn't be such a good idea and how it could backfire.

At a friend's party, I sat next to elderly couple. Guess what they wanted to talk about? Their adopted grandson, now a teenager.

In each case, the happiness and merits of the parents were touted...and so were the awful circumstances or unworthiness of the first mothers....and the fact that it was meant to be...and what a win-win it was...and what a good job the parents had done because the children were so wonderful...and so lucky.

And whew. Those conversations wipe me out. And make me sad.

I understand that the above mentioned bio mothers did not want their children or at least act like they wanted them. I'm glad the parents are happy. They are thrilled to be raising these children. On the flip side, I know the inner turmoil these kids will experience. Love is NOT enough to spare them the pain of being given away by one's own mother.

The teenager is hurting and trying to express it. But he's constantly reminded by his well meaning grandparents how lucky he is, because his mom was a loser and an addict. The grandparents were sweet. Really. It just never dawned on them that telling the kid to be happy and grateful was like throwing gas on flames. They seemed to get it after I set them straight, nicely. They seemed quite astonished that there was another POV on this.

At least they listened.

My husband wondered if there's something about me that causes people to tell me intimate stuff. I think there's something to that. (I could talk to a rock and it would probably complain about the dirt it's sitting on.) But then we wondered if it's because there's so many kids being adopted these days and it's way more common than we think. That, too. Definitely.

What's funny about these stories is the absolute belief that these adoptions were meant to be, destined. I know this is just a random sampling. But it doesn't make adoption easier. For the adoptee. Just for other people who can experience it, from the outside.