Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Asking a Narcissistic Parent a Question

Asking a narcissistic parent a really important question is like.....well, I don't know what it's like. It's not like asking a normal person a question, that's for damn sure.

In fact, I don't advise it.

In my case, I had no other choice.

L.A. County won't tell me where I spent the first month of my life. While the social worker confirmed that I'd been in foster care, she wouldn't elaborate, saying this was confidential information. Was I placed in some sort of institution? A private home?

So I just asked my Dad.

He and my adoptive mother had NO IDEA I'd been fostered.

They thought I was a newborn when they "got me."

They had no idea I was a month old, even though they picked me up one month after my birthday.

The information is right there on my adoption paperwork.

They were just so excited to have a beautiful new baby.

He said I hardly ever cried at all.

The next day, my adoptive mother took me to her former place of work to show me off. The ladies there admired me and said they had no idea my a-mom had been pregnant. Of course, she pretended I was biologically hers and pointed out our similar features. My a-dad just told me this. (His long term memory is excellent. What he had for breakfast is a problem).

When I asked him how he couldn't have known that I was a (whole fucking) month old when they picked me up, he said knowing this wouldn't have made any difference. That where I spent that time didn't matter. But it's important to me, I said (in a futile effort to remind him that I am a human being and not merely narcissistic supply.) But he insisted it made no difference at all. To him.

As the now adult child of a narcissist - one who has had lots of therapy - I wanted to scream and shout and say, "IT WAS THE FIRST MONTH OF MY LIFE. I WANT TO KNOW WHERE I WAS!"

Instead, I said nothing.

He said, "You were such a beautiful baby. Just like your mother. And nobody could take you away from us."

I wish SOMEBODY had.

So there.

(This is me having the last word. Something that will never happen in a conversation with a narcissistic parent.)

11 Comments:

Anonymous Judy said...

That's so sad.

"hardly ever cried" -- that's so sad too.

Of course it matters. To a one-month-old baby, it was your whole lifetime. No wonder you never cried. Your lifetime didn't matter, according to your a-dad. Your background and heritage were obliterated by your parents. :(

That whole post cries (no pun intended, I swear) of sadness and futility.

I'm so sorry.

7:49 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

Judy!

Thank you. Yeah. The sadness and futility of their inability to see or acknowledge me as an individual is pretty devastating. And I'm just figuring this out in my mid-forties. Now, it seems, many more adoptive parents are aware of the importance of "before" and how it will impact their children. Whew!

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