Really Bad Adoption Stories

In the old days, it was that awful Chosen Baby story.

Or hearing that you were "special" (another way of calling somebody retarded, even back then. For a while, I actually thought I was "special" in that way).

Either way, it placed an uncomfortable emphasis on the fact that you were different. And who wants to be different when you're a kid? You just want to fit in. It was also confusing. The whole Chosen Baby tale conjured up images of one's adopters sauntering past rows and rows of cribs filled with babies holding out their chubby arms, begging to be picked.

And now, I've read, some adopted kids are being told by well meaning adoptive parents that they "grew in their mommies heart."

In my opinion, not such a good idea.

In fact, a really BAD idea.

First, think back. Kids are pretty literal minded. I was no dummy, but if I'd been told that when I was young, I definitely would have thought I developed in my adoptive mom's heart. And that was the difference between being adopted and not. Biological kids grow in their mommies tummies. Adopted kids grow in their mommie's heart. Also knowing me, I wouldn't have asked follow-up questions to clarify this alarming news. I asked few questions. Many kids don't ask questions. After all, they haven't yet developed interviewing skills and pretty much accept what they're told.

Also, I just watched Alien Resurrection. And guess what happens? Some evil-doers decide to recreate Ripley from her 200 year old blood and then use her as a surrogate and implant an alien fetus in her chest. Imagine her horror when she figures out the irony of her situation (old Ripley hating aliens as much as she did, she is technically the mother of an alien) while grappling with some pretty serious identity issues, like is she Ripley...or not. Well, anyway, Baby Alien is surgically removed from Reconstituted Ripley's chest cavity.

You know the FIRST thing I thought of?

That "You Grew In My Heart" adoption story. (Actually, I alarmed my teenagers by screaming "Oh No!")

If something grows in your heart, at some point, it's gotta be removed. Otherwise the heart is gonna burst. Analogies are pretty much lost on kids.

I totally understand the desire to explain adoption in as painless and positive a way as possible to one's adoptee. Honest. But it doesn't take forced and painful analogies. One doesn't have to make potentially misleading statements. One doesn't have to say God spent a lot of time getting rid of one set of parents just so another could benefit. One doesn't have to call the kid a Blessing...which is just as burdensome as being Chosen. The adoptee just needs a simple, clear, no frills explanation and, of course, lots of empathy and gentle answers to questions as they arise.

Being told you are adopted is an unpleasant experience. Okay, it's traumatic. There's no way around it. It's like the kid is staring at a really disturbing picture by Picasso - trying to make sense of it - and being repeatedly told how pretty it is. I argue it's the beginning of our disconnection from ourselves and reality. We know how bad it feels. Everybody else insists it's wonderful.