Tuesday, November 27, 2007

The Aging Narcissistic Parent, Now With Dementia!

Face it. Your lifelong nightmare just got worse.

The parent who neglected you or mocked you or controlled you or made you perform in front of strangers has developed dementia and that, as you must have noticed, has made your self-absorbed parent even more self-absorbed.

So why am I writing about this subject again, when this is a blog about being a Closed Era adoptee?

Because that, my dear reader, is apparently what draws at least half of you here. Specifically, Googling, "aging narcissistic parent" or some other variation.

How to deal or handle them is one issue.

What to do with them is another.

Presumably, some of you are in search of expert advice. Well, I'm no expert, but I am a survivor of two narcissistic parents, both of whom developed dementia. Technically, one's not dead yet, but I'm still standing.

1) Just what kind of dementia are we talking? Alzheimers? The frontal lobe variety called, "Lewy Body?

Both are bad. My adoptive mother had Alzheimers. The good thing was she went from being mostly mean and controlling to nice and compliant. So it made it easier to find and keep an in-home caregiver. The bad thing was my mother lived eight years with this horrible disease. We used all of her personal savings on her care. (She insisted on a separate account from my father)

If you have the extremely bad luck of having your narcissistic parent develop Lewy Body dementia, well, stockpile the Xanax and grow an ever thicker hide.

This frontal lobe dementia basically strips them of their inhibition. Whatever little they had that protected you from hearing the glorious details of their sex life or the wondrous size of their penis or kept them from telling so-and-so they have a fat ass and need lipo, it's all going to come spilling out. There's nothing to stop them now. They want to talk about themselves and act like Simon on American Idol.

2) IF said narcissistic parent develops Lewy Body dementia, start looking for an assisted living facility. It's gonna take an entire team of somewhat professional, emotionally detached staff to deal with them. One single caregiver is probably not a good idea. In fact, the doctor who diagnosed my adoptive father just came out and said it. People like this are at higher risk for elder abuse. You'll have trouble keeping anybody who wants to look after him. They'll quit after a couple days. My Dad was so offensive to this doctor, who had the misfortune of being short, bald and Mexican (resulting in a bonanza of insults!) , the doctor said he couldn't accept him as a continuing patient.

3) The aging narcissist, even pre-dementia, does not deal well with the challenges of aging. Everything is a drama. Everything is harder than it should be. If they opt for an elective surgery against your well-researched advice, you're still going to get blamed. In fact, you will be blamed for everything. They will take no responsibility in planning for their future care and will fight you every step of the way. When they keep falling down or become incontinent, they will blame you for ruining their lives by sticking them in an assisted living facility.

4) The aging narcissist with dementia is STILL capable of trying to control you. It's amazing how this behavior somehow survives. In my mom's third year with Alzheimers, she'd get angry with me and then give me the cold, silent treatment for weeks, months, just like she used to when I was a kid. And my Dad, who even surpassed my mother's skill at The Guilt Trip, can still play the victim like nobody's business.

I'm sorry I don't have better news.

But it's not like we were talking about loving, caring, emotionally nuturing parents in the first place. Still, we can try to do the right thing and be moral, responsible citizens and arrange for the best of care possible, if we can afford it. (Sell their house. Not all of us are cut out to change adult diapers 15X a day). We can still check on them and make sure they are being treated well. And take satisfaction in that.

182 Comments:

Anonymous Hopewaits said...

Your posts just make me wonder how on earth you get through all of this "stuff" called life. You amaze me.
#2 and#3 and#4 apply to some degree to what I went through.
My amom was actually kicked out of an ALF she living in.(I ruined her life by putting her there after she had set fire to the condo)
The aparents seem to always manipulate with great ease.
Great BIG hugs to you tonight.

5:15 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

Well thank you, Hopewaits!

Life is a one day or a one week at a time thing...so when outlined like that...it does seem overwhelming and it often was. If there's one thing that having a narcissistic parent will do for you is make you a very capable person from a very early age. You've got to be. You gotta take care of yourself AND them. Just to be clear, I MANAGE my parents care, but did not do much hands on. I feel TERRIBLY sorry for the only children of narcissists b/c not only do they carry the entire burden, but there's no one else to talk to about how awful things were and are! Some people say it's usually one kid who gets stuck w/all the work, but it's so isolating!

OMG! Your mom got KICKED out of ALF? Did she turn into a professional arsonist or something after the incident of the flaming condo? Which, by the way, I entirely agree with her that you ruined her life by thinking of her safety and the welfare of others.

Considering that you dealt w/#2, 3 & 4, it probably drives you crazy like me to hear people get all misty eyed and sentimental about the elderly...HAH...as if they are all kindly and caring.

6:06 PM  
Blogger Being Me said...

Well you can still write well.
(((((((((Nina)))))))))

4:47 PM  
Blogger Elise said...

Hey Nina,

Another great post.

My mom doesn't blame me for putting her in an ALF. She blames me for "putting" her in the $40K/year hotel she's chosen to live in, rather than taking me up on my offer to get her a nice comfy place near me.

Most elderly parents would give anything for one of their children offer to have them live nearby, and to help facilitate same. Not mine. She pretended to go along with it by doing step 1 (moving into my house) and then...proceeded to more or less behave as if she would never leave. We told her to get out. She could have gone back to one of her three (3) homes, but instead took refuge in the hotel where she's spent most of the last five years.

And now, my brother informs me, she's written him saying that I "put" her in the hotel --- as if it's an ALF! Hey, it does have some similarities. It's about the same cost, that's for sure...but without the benefits of any real care. Just "paid friends" who are required to be nice to you, no matter how horrendous or deleterious to your own well-being your behaviour might be...

Oh! Add into that the fact that her glamourous ex-boyfriend just passed away (the Ivy League prof who made her look SO GOOD, even while they were both cheating on their respective spouses), and you've got...

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Elise
in a damned extra-sarcastic mood, even if I do say so myself

12:39 AM  
Blogger Elise said...

Forgot to mention...

A new post, finally...

http://houseofbonsai.blogspot.com/2007/12/i-found-out-few-weeks-ago-that-h.html

12:40 AM  
Blogger Michele said...

Thanks for this blog; it's good to know there are others going through similar situations. I'm not adopted, but I'm the only child of an abusive mother, who is now in a nursing home. She suffers from dementia, wasting (down to 81 pounds), and various other health-related problems. Sadly, the dementia has taken the form of her previous usual "victim" state ("oh, the world owes me so much") to complete paranoid hallucinations. The nursing care facility is good and caring, fortunately. But I'm faced with the dilemma of what to do with respect to this woman whom I never liked, and certainly don't love, reduced to pathetic, demented stranger. Anyway, before I start blubbering...or asking my physician for Xanax!...just want to say thanks again. We'll all get through it, somehow.

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