The Aging Narcissistic Parent, Now With Dementia!

Face it. Your lifelong nightmare just got worse.

The parent who neglected you or mocked you or controlled you or made you perform in front of strangers has developed dementia and that, as you must have noticed, has made your self-absorbed parent even more self-absorbed.

So why am I writing about this subject again, when this is a blog about being a Closed Era adoptee?

Because that, my dear reader, is apparently what draws at least half of you here. Specifically, Googling, "aging narcissistic parent" or some other variation.

How to deal or handle them is one issue.

What to do with them is another.

Presumably, some of you are in search of expert advice. Well, I'm no expert, but I am a survivor of two narcissistic parents, both of whom developed dementia. Technically, one's not dead yet, but I'm still standing.

1) Just what kind of dementia are we talking? Alzheimers? The frontal lobe variety called, "Lewy Body?

Both are bad. My adoptive mother had Alzheimers. The good thing was she went from being mostly mean and controlling to nice and compliant. So it made it easier to find and keep an in-home caregiver. The bad thing was my mother lived eight years with this horrible disease. We used all of her personal savings on her care. (She insisted on a separate account from my father)

If you have the extremely bad luck of having your narcissistic parent develop Lewy Body dementia, well, stockpile the Xanax and grow an ever thicker hide.

This frontal lobe dementia basically strips them of their inhibition. Whatever little they had that protected you from hearing the glorious details of their sex life or the wondrous size of their penis or kept them from telling so-and-so they have a fat ass and need lipo, it's all going to come spilling out. There's nothing to stop them now. They want to talk about themselves and act like Simon on American Idol.

2) IF said narcissistic parent develops Lewy Body dementia, start looking for an assisted living facility. It's gonna take an entire team of somewhat professional, emotionally detached staff to deal with them. One single caregiver is probably not a good idea. In fact, the doctor who diagnosed my adoptive father just came out and said it. People like this are at higher risk for elder abuse. You'll have trouble keeping anybody who wants to look after him. They'll quit after a couple days. My Dad was so offensive to this doctor, who had the misfortune of being short, bald and Mexican (resulting in a bonanza of insults!) , the doctor said he couldn't accept him as a continuing patient.

3) The aging narcissist, even pre-dementia, does not deal well with the challenges of aging. Everything is a drama. Everything is harder than it should be. If they opt for an elective surgery against your well-researched advice, you're still going to get blamed. In fact, you will be blamed for everything. They will take no responsibility in planning for their future care and will fight you every step of the way. When they keep falling down or become incontinent, they will blame you for ruining their lives by sticking them in an assisted living facility.

4) The aging narcissist with dementia is STILL capable of trying to control you. It's amazing how this behavior somehow survives. In my mom's third year with Alzheimers, she'd get angry with me and then give me the cold, silent treatment for weeks, months, just like she used to when I was a kid. And my Dad, who even surpassed my mother's skill at The Guilt Trip, can still play the victim like nobody's business.

I'm sorry I don't have better news.

But it's not like we were talking about loving, caring, emotionally nuturing parents in the first place. Still, we can try to do the right thing and be moral, responsible citizens and arrange for the best of care possible, if we can afford it. (Sell their house. Not all of us are cut out to change adult diapers 15X a day). We can still check on them and make sure they are being treated well. And take satisfaction in that.