Waiting Too Long to Search

If there was such a thing as a do-over in adoption reunion, I would absolutely, most definitely have searched earlier. Much, much earlier.

I mean, it's ridiculous to be going through all this I-Want-My-Mommy stuff when you are in your forties and birthmom is four decades past menopause.

In some profound, sad way, it's too late for the both of us. We're too worn out by life to find the energy to do the hard work of working on a new and complicated relationship.

My needy adoptive parents and the demands of their dementia have worn me out. I have little patience, now, for my aging birthmother. ( See? It sounds ridiculous to even call her birthmother or first mother when the woman is over eighty!) The last time we spoke, she spent most of her time talking about her repeated falls (it would help if she cut down on the vicodin, I suspect) and her failing health and it all left me, well, cold.

I can hardly be expected to give of my time and emotional energy to someone who gave me away forty five years ago and not once attempted to find me.

All of this may sound bitter. Maybe things wouldn't have gone any differently if we'd been younger. I just don't know. But reunion, as difficult and disappointing as it's been, has been an amazingly grounding experience. I was born again. It was my second chance. I just wish I'd done it sooner. For me.