Friday, February 29, 2008

Really Bad Parents

Had another episode with my narcissistic adoptive father.

I wrote about it at my other blog, www.narcissisticparents.blogspot.com.

And I was just picking myself up and dusting myself off...preparing to work on a project...when he calls and complains that I'd goofed by sending him the wrong brand of chocolate covered raisins. He was pretty steamed.

I have to be honest.

If I just hear the words, "chocolate covered raisins," one more time I'm gonna scream. The man has me sending him candy shipments almost every week. If I wasn't afraid of taking the express elevator to hell, I'd wish he'd choke on a fucking chocolate raisin and release me from my misery.

William F. Buckley just died and he didn't have half of what ails my adad. Why do all the mean people live so darned long?

But here's the deal.

After that encounter, I felt worthless. I'd just been taken out by a parental figure of authority and told off. Doesn't matter if I'm middle aged. Doesn't matter if he's losing it and over 80. It's the father-daughter dynamic and he's once again just told me how useless I am.

No surprise. I then felt useless. And I couldn't work on my project. I slumped into a depressive episode and took a nap. It zapped the life out of me. And this is after therapy. I'm aware of the triggers and I do my darned best to emotionally detach. But this stuff is hard.

And, by the way, I'm fully aware of the repetition of this theme in my posts.

As you can read, it just keeps happening! Today I made the mistake by returning his agitated call...just wanting to get it over with. In retrospect, I should have called AFTER my work was done. Or not have called back at all. Maybe there's a masochistic, martyr element to being the adult child of a narcissist. The adaptive role of enabler?

Having a narcissistic parent is a lifelong nightmare.

Being handed over to a narcissistic adoptive parent is like handing over a sacrificial lamb to a monster with an insatiable appetite for braised shanks. I was handed over 47 years ago and I'm still paying the price. Thanks social worker!

Honestly, testing for narcissistic traits should be one of the first things that social workers do when checking out prospective adoptive parents. Besides making sure they aren't criminals.

22 Comments:

Blogger Celera said...

Nina, I'm so sorry that your dad keeps being so mean to you about such stupid things. It's easy for someone else to stand back and say, just tell him no more raisins then, and move on. But the connections between us and our parents are just too deep and too complicated for that.

Also, feelings are hard to change. You can tell yourself "I shouldn't feel this way" but ... feelings don't have a "should." You feel how you feel, and some day, over time, it will get better.

You are a very brave and kind person. You deserved better.

6:13 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

Thank you, Celera....

The Incident of the Chocolate Raisins is both full of symbolic meaning...and absolutely ridiculous at the same time.

But the biggies, as you pointed out, is it underscores the faultiness of the connection between a lousy parent and the "child"...but a connection all the same!

8:50 AM  
OpenID enilina said...

What sick jollies do these insane parents get when they pick, belittle, and berate their kids like this? I know my N-Mom would be just like your dad had she ever tried her hands at adopting kids. Every single time she sees an adopted kid it is "That kid must be GRATEFUL to her parents. Scott Hamilton (the skater) must surely be so GRATEFUL to his adoptive parents" etc etc. I finally told her that good social workers are trained to screen out such people from adopting kids. I'm very sorry your social workers screwed up big time when they knew something wasn't quite right with your dad.

7:03 AM  
Blogger GooseBreeder said...

47 years ago the knowledge was scant about how to assess adoptive parents and society bought into the adoption myth big time, it was easier that way.Now we're all here to tell the truth of it.
Hopefully these days SW's do a better job and adoption is becoming rarer .
Being grateful so underlines society's view that adoption is for parents and not for finding babies and children good parents.

Great blog, keep hanging in there telling the truth of it..I'll be here reading you!
Re your np, is it still possible to refuse his demands? If your gifts are not acceptable is there someone else who can provide for him so you can tell him to get stuffed? No one has the right to be continually abusive and get away with it.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

You've scared the daylights out of me! You're right - all the mean people live too long - and here I've been, praying for my own narcissistic parents' deaths. I have this odd feeling they will live too long. Tonight, after another one of my dad's episodes I was walking home and thinking, "it's never going to change and I have to live in spite of it, instead of waiting until the day it is over." I guess that is the ultimate power - claiming your own place - realizing that they don't have final say on what the world is or what you can be in it. Experience and love it. xo

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Blogger Black sheep said...

Adoption is cruel. Plain and simple. Its ruined my life

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