Talking about the Adoption Experience
It's practically the middle of December and I'm still reeling from the onslaught of articles about adoption published to coincide with November is National Adoption Month.
And you know what?
There was a whole lot of talking going on about the adoption experience and, once again, it was the adoptive parents doing most of the talking. Sure, there were some notable and carefully chosen exceptions, but overall, the adoptive parents hogged the show.
And you know what else?
Only those of us who are adopted know what it's really like. Sure, AP's can talk about what it's like to build a family through adoption. But not the actual adoption experience.
Only we are qualified to talk about the adoption experience. All of us adoptees. Domestic and international product. Closed Era and Open. Transracial. The formerly fostered and now adopted. Oh sure, adoptive parents can talk longer and louder, but in the end, they aren't adopted. We are.
What if....
What if...
adoptees got to do all the talking? Just for once. Maybe National Adoptee Month. Maybe that's what it would take. Just so we could talk without somebody handing the microphone to an adoptive parent to explain it all. Just so we could finally have some dignity and be treated like bonified grown-ups.
And you know what?
There was a whole lot of talking going on about the adoption experience and, once again, it was the adoptive parents doing most of the talking. Sure, there were some notable and carefully chosen exceptions, but overall, the adoptive parents hogged the show.
And you know what else?
Only those of us who are adopted know what it's really like. Sure, AP's can talk about what it's like to build a family through adoption. But not the actual adoption experience.
Only we are qualified to talk about the adoption experience. All of us adoptees. Domestic and international product. Closed Era and Open. Transracial. The formerly fostered and now adopted. Oh sure, adoptive parents can talk longer and louder, but in the end, they aren't adopted. We are.
What if....
What if...
adoptees got to do all the talking? Just for once. Maybe National Adoptee Month. Maybe that's what it would take. Just so we could talk without somebody handing the microphone to an adoptive parent to explain it all. Just so we could finally have some dignity and be treated like bonified grown-ups.
posted by Nina at
4:50 PM
10 Comments:
Oh Nina - I can but only dream.
You have my vote for National Adopteeeeee Month.
How refreshing it would be to have the adoptee overwhelmingly heard - instead of all the AP's.
We lived it.
*sigh*
Poss. xxxxx
Well, my dearest Possum from Down Under...Not only did we live it, we survived! While some adoptees weren't dealt such a raw deal as some of us got, there's still the Mother Issue of 'Em All: abandonment. It absolutely drove me bonkers to hear some AP's get all indiginant and say there was no such thing as the Primal Wound. HAH!
I'm with you Nina! The term "grateful" would be banned from National Adoptee month too.
Mary! Oooo...how I've come to loathe that word! Funny. Grateful rhymes with hateful. Just think. We could be free to express ambivalence and sadness and...wait for it...anger!...without some goofball saying, "Aren't you glad you weren't aborted?" As if THAT had anything to do with being adopted!
I think the thing that I am coming to love about other adoptees no matter what their life experiences, is they are unafraid and compassionate - they do not distinguish that one adoptee's experience is "more valid" than anothers. We all feel the same things, and just because you can't readily 'see' it, doesnt mean the pain isnt there. Adoptees VALIDATE each other, and thats as basic a need for adoptees as it is for any human.
I have yet to read Primal Wound. Frankly, the book terrifies me. I dont know why.
I know what to be grateful for. Its like free will or respect - its not gratitude anymore when it has to be demanded.
"Adoptees VALIDATE each other, and thats as basic a need for adoptees as it is for any human.
I have yet to read Primal Wound. Frankly, the book terrifies me. I dont know why."
You are absolutely right. We need validation. CRAVE it because so many non-adopted are uncomfortable and feel the need to dismiss our experience/feelings, to correct us, put us in our places, remind us of what we SHOULD feel. Which is so bizarre. At least we adoptees can do this for each other.
As for your fear of the Primal Wound. I mean, just the title sounds scary...like a big, black hole you might fall into. But just so you know, it's actually validating and comforting. Maybe you're feeling vulnerable and suspect it will just add to it?
grateful rhymes with hateful, ha hahahahahahahahahahha
good.
Joy, it's especially funny because if we're not acting grateful, we're thought of as hateful!
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