Sunday, August 27, 2006

Adoption Overload

Have finally hit that stage. Sick of thinking about being adopted and how it's impacted my life. Not that I'll stop thinking about it. Or that I shouldn't have started in the first place. No. That was absolutely necessary. The whole adoption issue was like that arcade game, "Whack A Mole." I kept pounding away, trying to make the little mole stay in the ground, but it kept popping up in the oddest of places.

Self-reflection, exploration, getting ready for therapy sessions, the sessions themselves, the recovery period after therapy is, well...exhausting. Is there such a thing as "self-help fatigue?" If so, Ive reached it. Have even reached the point where calling my birth mother - once a happy event - has become somewhat of a chore. Not that I don't want to talk to her. It's just all the mental preparation, the tiptoeing around, the dissection afterward. It's hard work. And exhausting.

Some days, I just want to be me. Plain old me. Wife. Mother of two teenagers. Friend. Not the relinquished baby. Not my adoptive parent's solution to their problems. Not the person with annoying people pleasing tendencies who's trying to set boundaries and put myself first for a change.

And just when I think I'm overplaying the importance that adoption has had on my life, that all this exploration may be a tad unhealthy, there it is. A reminder why I must continue. I get a disturbing email from a relative asking for help with something that I find uncomfortable and it sends me into a tizzy. I do not delete the email. I stew over. Stress over it. Instead of saying, no thank you I immediately email back, ask a few questions to clarify the situation and promise to look into the matter. Boundaries do NOT come easy. My people pleasing knows no bounds. But no. I will not be dragged into the matter. I will decline. Politely. But reaching that decision has worried me. It was an automatic. That is my goal. To receive a communication asking for help or advice or money and not feel the need to immediately respond. Baby steps. They are exhausting.

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