tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post4626819390671768455..comments2023-11-05T04:19:22.205-08:00Comments on Adoptee Journal: The False Self ChallengeNinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12077857199651890460noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-69394172315692009612017-03-22T10:23:59.085-07:002017-03-22T10:23:59.085-07:00Anonymous has hijacked your comments with key word...Anonymous has hijacked your comments with key words!<br />My false self is holding in my rage, hatred and forced silence from exploding....so I write, But it has to be backed up by legitimate psychological theory or my experience that is legitimate...my slavery account from being adopted by narcissistic alcoholic adoptive parents. I was never allowed to speak, told all the time that "no-one would want to hear anything I have to say". I am learning to distance my true-self from my false self that will keep me silent, anxiety based suffering and F-S thinking that everyone is ignoring me because I am a female that should keep quiet...that no one would take seriously.All these direct statements from my a-parents I internalized from childhood. My resentment grew with each unprovoked slap of my face, where I had to hold back my natural drive to knock adoptive mother off her superior stool. My rage from 40 years of domination, that I allowed because I was told that I am worthless without my adoptive parents. Now I am worthy of human-ness only as long as I keep my adoptive mother away from me. If I allowed the slightest contact, I would fall back down into my childhood dungeon of adopted child despair. As long as I remain no-contact I am psychologically safe from the adopted-child-role that is my false-self. Adoptee Ragehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04801652683820118278noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-75756979282165838022010-07-16T00:59:39.971-07:002010-07-16T00:59:39.971-07:00easy tv soft -
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The friends I have must be very confused.<BR/><BR/>Then when my mother is insulting me, attacking me (with words)there something inside of me that just screams back and that is what I do sometimes I just fight back rebuking her ridiculous arguments and her rage increases. I think the true me is very bitter very angry and ready to lash out if injured and very very sad. <BR/><BR/>Something inside of me screams shut up! when someone interrupts while on the outside I just cut myself short and wait. When my mother goes on her windbagged attacks I have the strong urge to knock her out just to get her to be quite. The anger adds up years of it and if it is triggered it is hard to hold back for me. <BR/><BR/>I deny myself so many things I want to do and say because I am afraid. Afraid of being hated, rejected, scorned, chastised, disliked, belittled, unjustly treated/judged, attacked, punished, thought of as bad, unworthy, or ungrateful. Everything that I fear the most is given to me from my mother. I can't relate to being adopted but I wished that I could be an orphan without any parents. No parents= no debt. I wish I could've raised myself so that I would not owe anyone anything. <BR/><BR/>I hide so much. Everything I do or say is filtered. I am a different person for different people. Then sometimes that thing inside of me takes control and the real me that is so sick of hiding escapes and shows itself for a short while before I hide it once again because of my fears. <BR/><BR/>I have been locked in a cage now the door is still slightly ajar bu the chains I have made myself are keeping me in it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com