tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post2593055423600620017..comments2023-11-05T04:19:22.205-08:00Comments on Adoptee Journal: The Empathetic Adoptee: Oh, the BurdenNinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12077857199651890460noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-12349081025283404162013-01-18T08:10:00.441-08:002013-01-18T08:10:00.441-08:00top [url=http://www.001casino.com/]free casino gam...top [url=http://www.001casino.com/]free casino games[/url] coincide the latest [url=http://www.realcazinoz.com/]casino bonus[/url] unshackled no store perk at the best [url=http://www.baywatchcasino.com/]bay watch casino <br />[/url].Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-50936114005360831282007-01-23T14:39:00.000-08:002007-01-23T14:39:00.000-08:00Thank you for posting Betty's explanation. I'm sti...Thank you for posting Betty's explanation. I'm still trying to convince myself that I'm not the solution to everyone elses' problems. I was a great band-aid for my parents infertility...wasn't I? I needed to be reminded that I don't have to save the world or fix everyone else. With all my free time I can work on fixing ME!!! :)Rebeccahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09580851098198405470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-23618930261567027962007-01-14T01:45:00.000-08:002007-01-14T01:45:00.000-08:00It is amazing that that small paragraph from the b...It is amazing that that small paragraph from the book made such an impact on people. <br /><br />It had an incredible impact on me also.<br /><br />Take care.Hound Doggyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14885623405549742282noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-71776904527529337482007-01-13T17:53:00.000-08:002007-01-13T17:53:00.000-08:00Leroy...You gave me much to think about, thank you...Leroy...You gave me much to think about, thank you. I love it that you can quote Socrates, etc. in a meaningful way. Now that I'm no longer around a university, I hear that sort of thing less and less and I realize how cool it is. <br /><br />Third Mom: You know, I'm not exactly sure how this dynamic really works and how it initially gets "started." In my case, my parents were NOT empathetic in the least bit and were emotionally demanding and needy. Especially my father who was/is childlike and needs constant and immediate attention. Maybe it also has something to do with not feeling like you fit in. Sometimes, I wonder if I expect too much from my teen girls, both of whom are loaded down w/advanced classes. My youngest just started high school and she has a TOUGH analytical English class and she worked very hard yet got a C and I nearly freaked. Then I had to tell myself to calm down, that she's LEARNING and that's the most important thing and that she has a positive attitude, etc. So sheesh!Ninahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12077857199651890460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-86780033524233425162007-01-13T12:02:00.000-08:002007-01-13T12:02:00.000-08:00Thanks, Nina, this is something we a-parents need ...Thanks, Nina, this is something we a-parents need to really be sensitive to in our children.<br /><br />You've got me thinking about what I as an a-parent might be doing to create this feeling in my children. I wonder, for example, if adoptive parents expect perfection from their families and children more than parents in biologically-related families.<br /><br />Lots more thinking to do on this, thanks for raising the issue.Third Momhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06310395341252295955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-2152564901641906242007-01-12T20:09:00.000-08:002007-01-12T20:09:00.000-08:00Your post reminded me of a quote from Socrates, "K...Your post reminded me of a quote from Socrates, "Know thyself". When we are in touch with ourselves first, then we can be in touch with others...otherwise our identities could be emeshed or eclipsed by another. <br /><br />What you describe in your post sounds much like a role reversal. In essence, you become the parent and they become the child. You become what others expect and consequently never develop boundaries for yourself. As you age, you finally discover you don't even know yourself because you have never been allowed to develop a sense of self....always relying on another for approval of what they expect you to be. A vicious reinforcing cycle that for some is never broken and for those where it is broken, there is a lot of confusion, loss, fear, saddness and probably anger/depression...It is at that time that a person is very vulnerable...vulnerable to either repeat the cycle with another who rescues them or vulnerable to take stock of who they are and what they want to become. <br /><br />Maslow would argue that we cannot self-actualize until our basic needs (food, clothing, shelter and safety) are met. However, I could argue that it is at the time in our lives when we experience the greatest crisis, we also can experience the greatest possibility of growth. Crisis help us change course in ways we never thought possible or dared to imagine. Yet, I would hope that all change is not percipitated by crisis otherwise, I would be a wreck. I would like to think we can learn from others' experiences and avoid the potholes to make the journey less rocky. <br /><br />Unless one "know thyself", how can one possibly share with another? I would think this could have a profound impact on relationships, especially close ones...and could be very threatening, yet healthy, to a significant other once you start to be yourself.Doughnuthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00100398955132921465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-77914401280506506422007-01-12T19:08:00.000-08:002007-01-12T19:08:00.000-08:00Ah yes, the disease to please. I remember when th...Ah yes, the disease to please. I remember when the ton of bricks finally got through my thick skull that rarley did anyone (with the exception of my very best friend - who is also an adoptee) in my life ever have to compromise, give their share or accommodate my needs or wants. It was seriously all about them. I had put such a premium on being the "nice" one - the uber-flexible one - and of course the one who could always be counted on pleasing everyone else. <br /><br />Your words "Out of touch with myself" resonated so deeply with me.<br /><br />Man, it feels good to get back in touch, doesn't it?!?! :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-60296660121702091122007-01-12T13:40:00.000-08:002007-01-12T13:40:00.000-08:00Suz...it's a real gift that you are so in tune wit...Suz...it's a real gift that you are so in tune with your daughter and can see that she's doing this. I hope she reads Lifton. Although, I did but it took me at least five more years to have a melt-down triggered by an event at an in-law family reunion that forced me into therapy and, finally, admitting that adoption WAS a big deal. <br /><br />And Mia..Betty blows me away. She had such courage to do battle with existing ideas about adoptees and offer such groundbreaking insight.Ninahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12077857199651890460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-12299559754687755992007-01-12T11:54:00.000-08:002007-01-12T11:54:00.000-08:00I agree, Betty was right on the money.I agree, Betty was right on the money.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27818433.post-1548812087051005812007-01-12T11:35:00.000-08:002007-01-12T11:35:00.000-08:00funny, before i got to the end of your post, I was...funny, before i got to the end of your post, I was thinking that exact thought..the Lifton words (I have read all her books). I even suggest that to my daughter recently indirectly. She feels very responsible for my happiness. I pretty much jumped up and down in email screaming at her that she is not responsible for me and my happiness. I was bold enough to suggest she might feel that way about her adoptive mom and that she is projecting that feeling on to me.<br />Bottom line, totally agree with you and Betty.suzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00192108446381808647noreply@blogger.com